cMAROOR.lt cDOBBIMS
THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES
BY JESSE LYNCH WILLIAMS
PRINCETON STORIES (1855).
THE ADVENTURES OF A FRESHMAN (1899).
THE STOLEN STORY. AND OTHER NEWS
PAPER' STORIES (1899).
NEW YORK SKETCHES (1903).
THE DAY-DREAMER (igo6). (Being a novel-
ization of the four-act comedy, "The Stolen
Story."
THE GIRL AND THE GAME. AND OTHER
COLLEGE STORIES (looSJ.
THE MARRIED LIFE OF THE FREDERIC
CARROLLS (1910).
REMATING TIME (1916).
WHY MARRY ? (1918). New edition of "And So
They Were Married."
CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS
WHY MARRY?
From a photograph by White Studio.
HELEN: You're about the most conceited man I ever knew.
ERNEST: How can I help it, when you admire me so? [Page 94.
WHY MARRY?
(Originally published under the title
"And So They Were Married ")
BY
JESSE LYNCH WILLIAMS
ILLUSTRATED
COPYRIGHT, 1914, 1918, BY
CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS
Published October, 1914
New and revised edition published April, 1918
Reprinted September, 1918; February, 1919
[All rights strictly reserved — in
cluding amateur acting rights.]
College
Library
V;
,
i
/U?
TO
HARRIET AND JAMES LEES LAIDLAW
WHY MARRY?
A Comedy in Three Acts
New York: Astor Theatre: Produced by Selwyn & Company,
Dec. 25, 1917, under the direction of Roi Cooper Megrue.
The scene is a week-end at a country house not far away; the time,
Saturday afternoon, Sunday morning, and Sunday evening.
THE PEOPLE AT THE HOUSE
(As You Meet Them)
JEAN, the host's younger sister, who has been brought up to
be married and nothing else LOTUS ROBB
REX, an unmarried neighbor, who has not been brought up to
be anything but rich HAROLD WEST
LUCY, the hostess, who is trying her best to be "just an old-
fashioned wife" in a new-fashioned home,
BEATRICE BECKLEY
UNCLE EVERETT, a Judge, who belongs to the older gen
eration and yet understands the new — and ^.believes in
divorce NAT C. GOODWIN
COUSIN THEODORE, a clergyman and yet a human be
ing, who believes in everything — except divorce,
ERNEST LAWFORD
JOHN, who owns the house and almost every one in it — and
does not believe in divorce EDMUND BREESE
HELEN, the host's other sister, whom every one wants to
marry, but who doesn't want to marry any one,
ESTELLE WINWOOD
ERNEST, a scientist, who believes in neither divorce nor
marriage but makes a great discovery . . . SHELLEY HULL
(By arrangement with George C. Tyler)
THE BUTLER RICHARD PITMAN
THE FOOTMAN. . . .WALTER GOODSON
ADVANCE NOTICE
BY THE AUTHOR
ONE afternoon shortly before the New York
"opening" of this comedy a most estimable lady
sat down to make me a cup of tea.
"Now, do tell me, what is your play about ?"
she inquired with commendable enthusiasm. For,
being a true woman, she had early achieved the
becoming habit of letting members of the su
perior sex talk about themselves.
'"Why Marry?'" said I, "tells the truth
about marriage."
"Oh, why," she expostulated, "why write un
pleasant plays? "
"But it is not 'unpleasant."
"Then it isn't true !" she exclaimed. "That is,
I mean — I mean — did you say cream or lemon ?"
And in the pause which accompanied the
pouring of the cream I detected the look of one
realizing too late that it is always better to think
before speaking.
This little incident, it seemed to me, epito
mizes charmingly the attitude of "our nicest
people" toward our fundamental institution.
The truth about marriage must be unpleasant.
ix
ADVANCE NOTICE
Therefore, tell us something we know isn't true.
It will be so much nicer for our young people.
It is to be feared, however, that young people
who go to see "Why Marry ?" in the hope of be
ing shocked do not get their money's worth. I
have heard of but two persons who have been
scandalized by this play, and they were both old
people. One was a woman in the country who
had not seen it, but had read the title, and so
wrote several indignant letters about it. The
other was an elderly bachelor of the type which
finds useful occupation in decorating club win
dows like geraniums. He took his niece to see it,
and, deciding at the end of Act II that the play
was going to be unpleasant in Act III, took her
home at once. The next afternoon she appeared
at the matinee with a whole bevy of her own
generation and saw the rest of the play. I asked
her later if it had shocked any of them.
"Oh, no," she replied, "we are too young to be
shocked."
That little incident also struck me as socially
significant. There never were two generations
inhabiting the same globe simultaneously with
such widely separated points of view.
For several years after this play was first pub
lished no theatrical manager on Broadway would
ADVANCE NOTICE
produce it. I don't blame them, I want to
thank them for it. I doubt if this sort of thing
could have appealed to many theatre-goers then,
especially as my young lovers are trying to
be good, not bad. "Self-expression" and "the
right to happiness" do not enter into their plans.
The causes of their courageous and, of course,
mistaken decision are unselfish and social mo
tives, however futile and antisocial the results
would have been had not their desperate de
termination been thwarted. . . . When this
play was first published most people were not
thinking along these lines. Such ideas were con
sidered radical then. They will soon be old-
fashioned — even on the stage.
Kind and discriminating as the critics have
been in regard to this comedy (a discriminating
critic being, of course, one who praises your
play), few of them have seen the point which
I thought I was making emphatically clear,
namely, that we can't cure social defects by in
dividual treatment. Not only the lovers, but all
the characters in this play are trying to do right
according to their lights. There is no villain in
this piece. At least the villain remains "off
stage." Perhaps that is why so few see him. You
are the villain, you and I and the rest of society.
We are responsible for the rules and regulations
xi
ADVANCE NOTICE
of the marriage game. Instead of having fun
with human nature, I tried to go higher up and
have fun with human institutions.
I say "tried," because apparently I did not
succeed. The joke is on me. Still, I can get some
amusement out of it: for a great many people
seem to like this play who would be indignant if
they knew what they were really applauding.
They think they are merely enjoying " satire
on human nature." Now, it is a curious fact
that you can always curse human nature with
impunity; can malign it, revile it, boot it up and
down the decalogue, and you will be warmly
praised. "How true to life!" you are told. "I
know some one just like that." (It is always
some one else, of course.) But dare lay hands on
the Existing Order — and you'll find you've laid
your hands on a hornet's nest.
You see, most people do not want anything
changed — except possibly the Law of Change.
They do not object to finding fault with mankind
because "you can't change human nature," as
they are fond of telling you with an interesting
air of originality. But laws, customs, and ideals
can be changed, can be improved. Therefore
they cry: "Hands off! How dare you!" Man
made human institutions, therefore we reverence
them. Whereas human nature was merely made
xii
ADVANCE NOTICE
by God. So we don't think so much of it. We are
prejudiced, like all creators, in favor of our own
creations. After all, there is excellent precedent
for such complacency. Even God, we are in
formed, pronounced his work "all very good"
and rested on the seventh day.
Pretty nearly everything in the play as acted
is in the book as published; but by no means all
that is in the book could possibly be enacted on
the stage in two hours and a half. One scene,
a breakfast scene between John and his wife,
has been amplified for acting, but all the other
scenes as printed here have been shortened for
stage purposes and one or two cut out entirely.
The "set" was changed to represent the log
gia, instead of the terrace, of John's "little
farm." Outdoor scenes are not supposed to be
good for comedy. Walls, or a suggestion of them,
produce a better psychological effect for the
purpose, besides making it possible to speak in
quieter, more intimate tones than when the
voice spills out into the wings and up into the
paint loft.
Near the end of the play a number of relatives,
rich and poor, are supposed to arrive for dinner
and for influencing by their presence the re
calcitrant couple. That is the way it is printed
xiii
ADVANCE NOTICE
and that is how it was acted during the first
few weeks of the Chicago run. But though the
family may have its place in the book, it proved
to be an awful nuisance on the stage. No matter
how well these minor parts might be acted (or
dressed), their sudden irruption during the last
and most important moments of the perform
ance distracted the audience's attention from
the principal characters and the main issue.
It was not clear who was who. Programmes
fluttered; perplexity was observed. ... So we
decided that the family must be destroyed. It is
always a perplexing problem to devise a substi
tute for the family.
JESSE LYNCH WILLIAMS.
XIV
ILLUSTRATIONS
HELEN: You're about the most conceited man I
ever knew.
ERNEST: How can I help it, when you admire me
so ? Frontispiece
FACING PAGE
ALL: Then why, why do you want a divorce ?
JUDGE: Because, damn it, I don't like her .... 30
JUDGE: You poor little pessimists! Human nature
to-day is better than it ever was, but our most
important institution is worse — the most sacred
relationship in life has become a jest in the
market-place 204
JUDGE: We thought we believed in trial marriage.
Nothing of the sort — trial separation ! What
marriage put asunder divorce has joined to
gether 230
ACT I
"And So They Were Married"
ACT I
Up from the fragrant garden comes a girl, run
ning. She takes the broad terrace steps two
at a stride, laughing, breathless, fleet as a
fawn, sweet as a rose. She is hotly pursued by
a boy, handsome, ardent, attractively selfish,
and just now blindly determined to catch the
pretty creature before she gains the protecting
shelter of home. She is determined to let him
but not to let him know it. . . . There, she
might have darted in through the open door,
but it is such a cold, formal entrance; she
pretends to be exhausted, dodges behind a stone
tea-table, and, turning, faces him, each pant
ing and laughing excitedly ; she alluring and
defiant, he merry and dominant.
She is twenty-five and he is d year or two older,
but they are both children; in other words,
unmarried.
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED'
T
REX
HINK I'll let you say that to me ?
JEAN
[making a face at him}
Think I'm afraid of you!
REX
Take it back, I tell you.
JEAN
I won't.
REX
I'll make you.
JEAN
[with a dance step]
Think so, do you ?
REX
I warn you.
JEAN
Booh-woo !
[He makes a feint to the right, then dashes to
the left and catches her.
4
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
REX
[triumphantly]
Now ! . . . You would, would you ?
JEAN
[struggling]
Let me go.
REX
I couldn't think of it.
JEAN
[seizes his hands to free herselj — can't]
You're so strong — it isn't fair.
REX
You're so sweet — it isn't fair.
[Smiling down at her struggles, rejoicing in
his strength, her weakness, he gently draws
her near.
JEAN
[knows what is coming
No, Rex.
REX
Yes.
5
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JEAN
You mustn't.
REX
But I will.
[He laughs and kisses her lightly on the cheek.
Therefore she struggles furiously. There
fore he does it again. And again. Suddenly
he enfolds her completely and kisses her
passionately — cheeks, mouthy eyes — until
she gasps in alarm. Laughter has gone from
them now.
JEAN
Oh, please ! . . . some one will come.
REX
[with the intoxication of such moments]
I don't care who comes — I love you.
JEAN
No ... let me go.
..
REX
Not till you kiss me, Jean. QEAN hesitates,
brushes his cheek lightly with her lips, and in
pretty confusion tries to escape.] Not till you
6
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
say you love me, Jean. [Eyes hidden in his
coat, she bobs her head. He laughs and loves it.]
Say it !
JEAN
I — er — do.
REX
Do what ? . . . Say it ! ...
[She cannot. He swings her about, bringing
her face close to his.
JEAN
I love you, Rex. Are you sure you love
me ?
REX
Am I sure ! You irresistible little —
[Begins to kiss her. Masculine triumph.
JEAN
And want to marry me, Rex ?
REX
[stops — startled — had not thought of that]
Why — er — of course. What did you suppose !
[Drops his eyes, sobered.
7
JEAN
[feminine triumph]
And me "a penniless orphing" ?
REX
[fascinated by the way she says it, he laughs.
Then, his honor touched]
Why, what kind of a man do you take me for!
[And wants her lips again.
JEAN
[giving herself to him, head sinks upon his
shoulder]
Then, oh, Rex, love me and be nice to me
and — and take me away from all this !
[She covers her face with her hands and sobs.
He pats her tenderly, with a manly look on
his face.
LUCY comes up from the garden. She is
dressed in white with a garden hat, a garden
basket filled with flowers in one hand, long
scissors in the other. She is JOHN'S wife,
the mistress of the house, sister-in-law to
JEAN; conspicuously a "sweet" woman,
affectedly so, a contrast with JEAN'S more
modern, less delicate charm. JEAN is frank
8
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
and brave, LUCY indirect and timid, pretty
but fading, forty but fighting it.
JEAN
[laughing]
It's all right, Lucy — we're engaged !
LUCY
Well, I should hope so !
[Shoots a look at JEAN, "So?'*
REX
[recovering himself]
I have often tried to thank you and good old
John for letting me come over here so much,
but now ! How can I ever thank you ? See-what-
I-mean ?
LUCY
I'll tell you how. Behave yourself after you
are married to John's little sister.
JEAN
Rex, have you had a fearful past ? How fas
cinating !
9
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
REX
Fm going to have a glorious future, all right.
JEAN
Not unless you do as I tell you. Going to obey
me, Rex ?
REX
You bet I am.
JEAN
Then begin now. Go ! . . . Get out ! [She
pushes REX, laughing and protesting, toward the
garden.} I want to tell Lucy how nice you are.
Run along over to the golf club, and by and
by — if you are a good boy — you can take me
out in your new car. [REX kisses the hand on
his arm and leaves, laughing.] My dear, he has
five cars ! Thank you so much.
[Alone, they throw of the mask worn before
men.
LUCY
Now, deary, tell me all about it. How did it
happen ?
JEAN
Oh, I simply followed your advice.
10
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
LUCY
Picked a quarrel with him ?
JEAN
[laughing]
Yes. I pretended to believe in woman suf
frage !
LUCY
Good ! They hate that.
JEAN
I told him all men were bullying brutes !
LUCY
They are ! And then you ran away ?
t
JEAN
Of course.
LUCY
And he after you ?
JEAN
Of course.
LUCY
And you let him catch you ?
ii
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JEAN
Of cour — well ... he caught me.
[They both laugh.
LUCY
I can guess the rest.
JEAN
Why, it didn't take five minutes.
LUCY
And now it's to last through all eternity. . . .
Isn't love wonderful ?
JEAN
Urn-hum. Wonderful.
[They begin to cull out the flowers.
LUCY
But you do love him, dear, don't you ?
JEAN
[arranging flowers}
I did then. I don't now. Why is that, Lucy ?
LUCY
Oh, but you will learn to love him. [Jean
shrugs, drops flowers, and turns away.] Now,
12
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
now ! no worrying — it brings wrinkles ! [Pat
ting Jean's shoulder.] Rex is just the sort to give
the woman he adores everything in the world.
JEAN
[wriggling out of LUCY'S embrace]
I am not the woman he adores.
LUCY
Why, Jean ! He's engaged to you.
JEAN
But. he's in love with my sister. You know
that as well as I do.
LUCY
[uncomfortably]
Oh, well, he was once, but not now. Men
admire these independent women, but they
don't marry them. Nobody wants to marry a
sexless freak with a scientific degree.
JEAN
Oh, what's the use, Lucy ? He's still wild
about Helen, and she still laughs at him. So
you and John have trotted out the little sister.
Why not be honest about it.
13
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
LUCY
Well, I may be old-fashioned, but I don't
think it's nice to talk this way when you're just
engaged.
JEAN
Here comes your "sexless freak" — not with
a degree, either.
LUCY
[following JEAN'S gaze}
With a man!
JEAN
[smiling
With my man.
[HELEN, with REX bending toward her
eagerly ', appears. She is a beautiful woman
of twenty-nine ', tally strong, glorious —
plenty of old-fashioned charm, despite her
new-fashioned ideas. She is dressed in a
tennis costume and is swinging a racquet.
REX
But they told me you were going to stay
abroad all winter.
''AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
My work, Rex — I had to get back to work.
REX
Work ! . . . You are too good to work.
JEAN
[amused, not jealous]
Is this your high-powered car, Rex ? Have
you learned to run it yet ?
REX
[startled]
But . . . well . . . you see, I met Helen
on the way. See-what-I-mean ?
JEAN
[laughing]
Oh, we see.
REX
But I hadn't seen her for so long. I thought —
[Looks from HELEN to JEAN] . . . wait, I'll get
the car. [He hurries off.
LUCY
[to JEAN]
Why couldn't she have stayed abroad!
15
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JEAN
Helen, don't talk about your work before
Lucy — it shocks her.
HELEN
Oh, very well; make it my 'career'!
JEAN
[arm around HELEN]
Sssh! — that's worse.
LUCY
Helen, dear, I deem it my duty to tell you
that you are being talked about.
HELEN
Lucy, dear, do you always find your true
happiness in duty ?
LUCY
Well, if you think you are going back to that
horrid place again . . . after what happened
that night ? John won't hear of it.
HELEN
If the Baker Institute of Medical Experiment
is not a respectable place you should make John
resign as trustee. [She laughs it of.
16
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
LUCY
John is trustee of — oh, nearly everything.
That makes it all the worse. It isn't as if you
had to work.
HELEN
Oh, but John is so rich now, his credit can
stand it. And you oughtn't to mind ! Why,
some of our most fashionable families now con
tain freaks like me. It's becoming quite smart,
just as in former days one of the sons would go
into the Church or the navy.
LUCY
Well, of course, I am old-fashioned, but going
down-town every day with the men, — it seems
so unwomanly.
HELEN
But wasn't I womanly for years ? Instead of
going down-town and working with highbrows,
I stayed up-town and played with lowbrows —
until I was bored to death.
LUCY
[sighs]
Yes, that's what comes of going to college,
leaving the home, getting these new ideas. All
17
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
the same, Helen, the men, really nice men, don't
like it.
HELEN
Well, you see, I don't like really nice men,
so that makes it agreeable all around.
LUCY
If it were only art or music or something
feminine, but that awful laboratory ! How can
a lady poison poor, innocent little monkeys ?
HELEN
If I were a lady I'd dine with monkeys. . . .
Do you know what the word means, Lucy ? In
Anglo-Saxon times "lady" meant "one who
gives loaves"; now, one who takes a loaf.
LUCY
Very clever, my dear, but some day you'll be
sorry. No man, Helen, likes a woman to have
independent views.
JEAN
Helen can afford to have independent views;
she has an independent income — she earns it.
18
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
LUCY
Independent income ! Her salary wouldn't
pay for your hats.
JEAN
All the same, I wish I had gone to college; I
wish I had learned a profession.
LUCY
What have these New Women accomplished ?
Just one thing: they are destroying chivalry !
HELEN
Not entirely, Lucy, not entirely. For instance,
I am the best assistant Ernest Hamilton has,
but the worst paid; the others are all men.
Hurray for chivalry !
LUCY
Well, I'm just an old-fashioned wife. Woman's
sphere is the home. My husband says so.
HELEN
But suppose you haven't any husband! What
can a spinster do in the home ?
LUCY
Stay in it — till she gets one ! That's what the
old-fashioned spinster used to do.
19
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
The old-fashioned spinster used to spin.
LUCY
At any rate, the old-fashioned spinster did
not stay out of her home all night and get
herself compromised, talked about, sent abroad!
Or, if she did, she knew enough to remain abroad
until the gossip blew over. [Lucy turns to leave.
HELEN
[mischievously]
Ah, that wonderful night ! [Lucv turns back,
amazed.] The night we discovered the Hamilton
antitoxin, the night that made the Baker Insti
tute famous ! And, just think, I had a hand in it,
Lucy, a hand in the unwomanly work of saving
children's lives ! But, of course, an old-fashioned
spinster would have blushed and said: "Excuse
me, Doctor Hamilton, but we must now let a
year's work go to waste because you are a man
and I am a woman, and it's dark outdoors!"
. . . That's the way to preserve true chivalry.
LUCY
You think we can't see through all this ?
Science — fiddlesticks ! The good-looking young
20
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
scientist — that's why you couldn't stay abroad.
We see it, John sees it, and now every one
will see it. Then how will you feel ?
HELEN
Ernest is rather good-looking, isn't he ?
LUCY
Do you think your brother will let you marry
a mere scientist! . . . Oh, well, Doctor Hamil
ton is in love with his work — fortunately. . . .
Besides, he's a thoroughbred; he wouldn't even
look at a girl who throws herself at his head.
HELEN
So I needn't try any longer ? Too bad.
LUCY
[losing her temper and going]
Oh, you New Women are quite superior,
aren't you ? . . . Thank heavens, little Jean
didn't elbow her way into men's affairs; she had
no unwomanly ambitions for a career ! But she
is engaged to Rex Baker !
HELEN
Jean, is this true ?
21
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
LUCY
[triumphantly]
Marriage is woman's only true career.
HELEN
Jean ! You can't, you won't, you mustn't
marry Rex !
LUCY
\flouncing out}
"She who will not when she may," my dear !
JEAN
{avoiding HELEN'S eyes]
Lucy hears John conning — he'd take her
head off if she weren't there to meet him.
[HELEN only looks at her.] He bullies and brow
beats her worse than ever. I can't stand it
here much longer. It's getting on my nerves.
HELEN
Jean ! You care for Rex no more than I do.
JEAN
[still evasive]
John's bringing out Uncle Everett and Cousin
Theodore. My dear, the whole family is up in
the air about you.
22
''AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
Oh, I can take care of myself, but you ! . . .
Jean, you're not the sort to marry Rex or any
other man, unless you simply can't live without
him.
JEAN
[after a little pause]
Well . . . how can I live without him —
without some man ? You can support yourself.
I can't.
HELEN
But you wouldn't live on a man you didn't
really love !
JEAN
Why not ? Lucy does; most wives live on men
they don't really love. To stop doing so and get
divorced is wrong, you know.
HELEN
Jean, Jean, poor little Jean !
JEAN
Well, I'd rather have domestic unhappiness
of my own than watch other people's all my life.
23
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
I don't like to hurt you, dear, but — [Takes
JEAN'S face and raises it.] How about that nice
boy at the Harvard Law School ?
JEAN
Don't ! [Controls herself, then, in a low voice]
Bob is still at the Law School, Helen.
HELEN
Can't you wait, dear ?
JEAN
He never asked me to, Helen.
HELEN
He would, if you let him.
JEAN
It wouldn't be fair. It takes so long to get
started. Everything costs so much. Why, now
adays, men in the professions, unless they have
private means, can't marry until nearly forty.
When Bob is forty I'll be forty, Helen.
HELEN
Ah, but when a girl really cares !
24
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JEAN
Helen, do you know ?
HELEN
Never mind about me — you !
JEAN
Oh, we'll get over it, I suppose. . . . People
do! Some day, perhaps, he'll smile and say:
"Just think, I once loved that fat old thing!"
[Suddenly changes to sobbing.] Helen! when Rex
caught me and kissed me I shut my eyes and
tried to think it was Bob.
HELEN
[takes JEAN in her arms]
You can't keep on thinking so, dear.
JEAN
But that isn't the worst ! When he held me
fast and I couldn't get away, I began ... to
forget Bob ... to forget everything . . .
[Breaks off, overcome with shame.] But not now,
not now ! It's not the same thing at all. [Buries
face in HELEN'S breast and sobs it out.] Oh, I
feel like the devil, dear. . . . And all this time
25
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
he doesn't really want me — he wants you, you !
I trapped him into it; I trapped him !
HELEN
And I know Rex — he's a good sport; he'll
stick to it, if you do, dear — only you won't !
You've caught him by playing on his worst —
don't hold him by playing on his best !
JEAN
But what shall I do ? I'm nearly twenty-six.
I've got to escape from home in some way.
[REX returns.
i
REX
Ready, Jean ? [To HELEN.] Lucy and John
and your Cousin Theodore are in there having a
fine, old-fashioned family fight with the judge.
HELEN
With Uncle Everett ? What about ?
REX
They shut up when they saw me. All I heard
26
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
was the parson — "Marriage is a social insti
tution." Grand old row, though. [A BUTLER
and FOOTMAN appear, wheeling a tea-wagon.}
Looks as if they were coming out here.
HELEN
Then I am going in. [Detaining JEAN.] You
will follow my advice ?
JEAN
[apart to HELEN]
Oh, I don't know. Soon or late I must fol
low the only profession I have learned.
QEAN leaves with REX. HELEN watches them,
sighs ', and goes in. The SERVANTS arrange
the tea-table and go into the house.
LUCY comes out, followed by her husband,
JOHN, and the JUDGE, who is UNCLE EV
ERETT, and COUSIN THEODORE.
JOHN, the masterful type of successful Amer
ican business man; well set up, close-
cropped mustache, inclined to baldness;
keen eye, vibrant voice, quick movements,
quick decisions, quick temper.
UNCLE EVERETT is a genial satirist with a
27
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
cynical tolerance of the ways of the world,
which he understands, laughs at, and
rather likes.
COUSIN THEODORE, a care-worn rector, who,
though he buttons his collar behind, likes
those who don't; a noble soul, self -sacri
ficing and sanctified, but he does not ob
trude his profession upon others — never
talks shop unless asked to do so, and prides
himself upon not being a bigot.
They are continuing an earnest discussion,
with the intimate manner of friendly mem
bers of the same family. JOHN, LUCY, and
THEODORE deeply concerned; UNCLE EV
ERETT detached and amused.
THEODORE
But, Uncle Everett, hasn't Aunt Julia always
been a good wife to you ?
JUDGE
Quite so, quite so, a good wife, Theodore, a
good wife.
LUCY
And a devoted mother to your children, Uncle
Everett ?
28
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
Devoted, Lucy, devoted.
JOHN
She has always obeyed you, Uncle Everett.
JUDGE
Yes, John — a true, old-fashioned woman.
THEODORE
She has been a great help to me in the parish
work, Uncle Everett.
JUDGE
An earnest worker in the vineyard, Theo
dore — in fact, I might say, a model female.
ALL
Then why, why do you want a divorce ?
JUDGE
Because, damn it, I don't like her !
LUCY
But think of poor Aunt Julia !
29
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
But, damn it, she doesn't like me.
THEODORE
[wagging head sadly]
Ah, yes, I suppose there has been fault on
both sides.
JUDGE
Not at all ! No fault on either side. . . . Both
patterns of Christian fortitude to the end ! We
still are. Just listen to this telegram.
LUCY
[puzzled]
From Aunt Julia ?
JUDGE
Yes from Aunt Julia in Reno. Not used
to travelling without me; knew I'd worry.
Thoughtful of her, wasn't it ? [Puts on glasses.]
A night letter. Much cheaper; your Aunt Julia
was always a frugal wife. Besides, she never
could keep within ten words. [Reads.] "Arrived
safely. Charming rooms with plenty of air and
sunlight. Our case docketed for March I5th.
Wish you were here to see the women in
30
''AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
Divorcee Row — overdressed and underbred."
Rather neat, eh ? "Overdressed and underbred."
"I should love to hear your comments on the
various types." Now, isn't that sweet of her ?
Well, you know, I always could make her laugh
— except when I made her cry. "Write soon.
With love. Julia." Now [folds telegram}, isn't
that a nice message ? From a wife suing for
divorce ? You happily married people couldn't
beat that. [Pats telegram and pockets it tenderly.
JOHN
[like a -practical business man]
But if there's no other woman, no other man
— what's it all about ?
JUDGE
She likes her beefsteak well done; I like mine
underdone. She likes one window open — about
so much [indicates Jour inches}; I like all the win
dows open wide ! She likes to stay at home; I
like to travel. She loves the opera and hates the
theatre; I love the theatre and hate the opera.
THEODORE
Stop ! aren't you willing to make a few little
sacrifices for each other ? Haven't you char
acter enough for that ?
31
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
We've been making sacrifices for twenty-five
years, a quarter of a century ! Character enough
to last us now . . . Why, I remember the first
dinner we had together after we were pro
nounced man and wife, with a full choral ser
vice and a great many expensive flowers —
quite a smart wedding, Lucy, for those simple
days. "Darling," I asked my blushing bride,
"do you like tutti-frutti ice-cream ?" "I adore
it, dearest," she murmured. I hated it, but
nobly sacrificed myself and gave her tutti-
frutti and gained character every evening of
our honeymoon ! Then when we got back and
began our "new life" together in our "little
home," my darling gave me tutti-frutti and in
digestion once a week until I nearly died !
LUCY
But why didn't you tell her ?
JUDGE
I did; I did. Got chronic dyspepsia and
struck ! " You may adore this stuff, darling" I
said, "but I hate it." "So do I, dearest," says
she. "Then why in thunder have you had it all
32
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
these years, sweetheart?" "For your sake, be
loved!" And that tells the whole story of our
married life. We have nothing in common but
a love of divorce and a mutual abhorrence
of tutti-frutti. "Two souls with but a single
thought, two hearts that beat as one!" It has
been the dream of our lives to get apart, and
each has nobly refrained for the other's sake.
And all in vain !
JOHN
Bah ! All a cloak to hide his real motive. And
he knows it !
JUDGE
[after a painful pause]
I may as well confess. [Looks around to see if
overheard. Whispers.] For over twenty years
I — I have broken my marriage vow ! [Lucv
drops her eyes. THEODORE aghast. JOHN wags
head.] So has your Aunt Julia !
THEODORE
No ! not that !
JUDGE
Well, we solemnly promised to love each
other until death did us part. We have broken
33
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
that sacred vow! I don't love her; she doesn't
love me — not in the least !
JOHN
Rot ! A matured, middle-aged man, a dis
tinguished member of the bar — break up his
home for that? Damned rot!
JUDGE
Right again, John. That's not why I'm break
ing up my home. I prefer my club. What
does the modern home amount to ? Merely a
place to leave your wife.
LUCY
Of course, it doesn't matter about the poor
little wife left at home.
JUDGE
Wrong, Lucy, it does matter. That's why I
stayed at home and was bored to death with her
prattle about clothes and the opera, instead of
dining at the club with my intellectual equals,
picking up business there, getting rich like
John, supplying her with more clothes and a
whole box at the opera, like yours, Lucy.
34
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
LUCY
[shoots a glance at her husband}
Oh, that's the way you men always talk. It
never occurs to you that business, business,
business is just as much of a bore to us !
JUDGE
Wrong again ! It did occur to me — hence
the divorce ! She couldn't stand seeing me
bored; I couldn't stand seeing her bored. Once
we could deceive each other; but now — too
well acquainted; our happy home — a hollow
mockery !
THEODORE
You ought to be ashamed ! I love my home !
JOHN
So do I. [He glances sternly at LUCY.
LUCY
[nervously}
So do I.
JUDGE
All right. Stick to it, if you love it. Only,
don't claim credit for doing what you enjoy.
35
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
I stuck to my home for a quarter of a century
and disliked it the whole time. At last I'm
free to say so. Just think of it, Lucy, free to
utter those things about marriage we all know
are true but don't dare say ! Free to be honest,
John ! No longer a hypocrite, no longer a liar !
A soul set free, Theodore — two souls, in fact.
"Two souls with but a single thought "
THEODORE
Stop ! You have children to consider, not
merely your own selfish happiness !
LUCY
Yes, think of Tom and little Julia !
JUDGE
We did . . . for a quarter of a century —
sacrificed everything to them, even our self-re
spect; but now — what's the use ? We are child
less now. Tom and Julia have both left us for
"little homes" of their own to love.
THEODORE
Ah, but don't you want them to have the old
home to come back to ?
"AND So THEY WERE^MARRIED"
JUDGE
"No place like home" for children, eh?
You're right — can't have too much of it. Most
children only have one home. Ours will have
two I When they get bored with one they can
try the other.
THEODORE
But, seriously, Uncle Everett — "Whom God
hath joined together!"
LUCY
[clasping JOHN'S arm]
Yes, Uncle Everett, marriages are made in
heaven.
JUDGE
I see; quite so; but your Aunt Julia and I
were joined together by a pink parasol made in
Paris.
JOHN
What rot ! Stop your fooling and speak the
truth, man.
JUDGE
Just what I'm doing — that's why you think
I'm fooling. A very pretty parasol — but it
wasn't made in heaven. You see, God made poor,
37
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
dear Julia pale, but on that fatal day, twenty-
five years ago, the pink parasol, not God, made
her rosy and irresistible. I did the rest — with
the aid of a clergyman, whom I tipped even
more liberally than the waiter who served us
tutti-frutti. Blame me for it, blame her, the
parasol, the parson, but do not, my dear Theo
dore, blame the Deity for our own mistakes.
It's so blasphemous.
[A pause. LUCY takes place at the tea-table
to serve tea.
LUCY
And to think we invited you, of all people,
here to-day of all days ! [To JOHN.] We mustn't
let Rex know. The Bakers don't believe in
divorce.
JOHN
What's this ? You don't mean that Jean ?
LUCY
Yes ! Just in time — before he knew Helen
was back.
JOHN
[jumps up]
She's landed him ! She's landed him ! We're
marrying into the Baker family ! The Baker
38
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
family ! [Shaking hands right and left.] Why,
she'll have more money than any of us ! ...
Well, well ! We'll all have to stand around before
little Jean now ! . . . My, my ! Lucy, you're a
wonder! Those pearls — I'll buy them; they're
yours ! Hurray for Lucy ! [Kisses LUCY.
LUCY
[feeling her importance}
Now, if I could only get Helen out of this
awful mess and safely married to some nice
man !
JUDGE
[sipping his tea}
Meaning one having money?
THEODORE
The Hamiltons are an older family than the
Bakers, Lucy, older than our own.
JUDGE
Meaning they once had money.
JOHN
[still pacing to and fro]
Waste a beauty on a bacteriologist ? A
crime !
39
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
See here, John, Ernest Hamilton is the biggest
thing you've got in the Baker Institute ! One
of the loveliest fellows in the world, too, and
if you expect me — why did you ask us here,
anyway ?
JUDGE
Far as I can make out, we're here to help one
of John's sisters marry a man she doesn't love
and prevent the other from marrying the man
she does.
JOHN
Oh, look here: I've nothing against young
Hamilton. ... I like him — proud of all he's
done for the institute. Why, Mr. Baker is
tickled to death about the Hamilton antitoxin.
But, Theodore, this is a practical world. Your
scientific friend gets just two thousand dollars
a year ! . . . Lucy, send for Helen.
[Lucv goes obediently.
JUDGE
Well, why not give the young man a raise ?
JOHN
Oh, that's not a bad salary for scientists,
college professors, and that sort of thing. Why,
40
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
even the head of the institute himself gets less
than the superintendent of my mills. No future
in science.
JUDGE
Perfectly practical, Theodore. The superin
tendent of John's mills saves the company thou
sands of dollars. These bacteriologists merely
save the nation thousands of babies. All our
laws, written and unwritten, value private
property above human life. I'm a distinguished
jurist and I always render my decisions ac
cordingly. I'd be reversed by the United States
Supreme Court if I didn't. We're all rewarded
in inverse ratio to our usefulness to society,
Theodore. That's why "practical men" think
changes are "dangerous."
JOHN
Muck-raker !
JUDGE
It's all on a sliding scale, John. For keeping
up the cost of living you and old man Baker
get . . . [Stretches arms out full length.] Heaven
only knows how much. For saving the Con
stitution I get ... a good deal. [Hands three
41
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
jeet apart.] For saving in wages and operating
expenses your superintendent gets so much.
[Hands two feet apart.] For saving human life
Ernest Hamilton gets that. [Hands six inches
apart.] For saving immortal souls Theodore
gets — [Holds up two forefingers an inch apart.]
Now, if any one came along and saved the
world
THEODORE
[interrupts}
They crucified Him.
JOHN
Muck-raker, muck-raker.
LUCY
[returning
Tried my best, John, but Helen says she
prefers to talk with you alone some time.
JOHN
[furious]
She "prefers"? See here! Am I master in my
own house or not ?
JUDGE
But Helen is a guest in it now. No longer
42
under your control, John. She's the New
Woman.
THEODORE
John, you can't stop that girl's marrying
Ernest, if she wants to; he's head over heels in
love with her.
•Lucy
What ! We thought he was in love with his
work!
THEODORE
He thinks there's no hope for him, poor boy.
LUCY
[to JOHN]
And she is mad about him !
JOHN
[to LUCY]
And he is on the way out here now !
THEODORE
What ! He's coming to see her ?
JOHN
No, no, thinks she's still in Paris — so she
was when I invited him, damn it — but some-
43
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
thing had to be done and done delicately.
That's why I invited you two.
JUDGE
[bursts out laughing]
Beautiful ! These lovers haven't met for a
month, and to-night there's a moon !
THEODORE
[also laughs]
You may as well give in, John. It's the sim
plest solution.
LUCY
[timidly]
Yes, John, she's nearly thirty, and think how
she treats all the nice men.
JOHN
Who's doing this? You go tell Helen . . .
that her Uncle Everett wants to see her !
[Lucy shrugs, starts reluctantly, and lingers
listening.
THEODORE
Now, uncle, you have more influence over
her than any of us — don't let her know about
. . . Aunt Julia. Helen thinks the world of you,
44
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
Of course not, never let the rising generation
suspect the truth about marriage — if you
want 'em to marry.
THEODORE
There are other truths than unpleasant
truths, Uncle Everett, other marriages than un
happy marriages.
JUDGE
Want me to tell her the truth about your
marriage ?
LUCY
[at the door]
Why uncle ! Even you must admit that
Theodore and Mary are happy.
[JOHN is too much surprised to notice
LUCY'S presence.
JUDGE
Happy ? What's that got to do with it ? Mar
riage is a social institution. Theodore said so.
. . . Every time a boy kisses a girl she should
first inquire: "A sacrifice for society?" And if
he says, "I want to gain character, sweet-
45
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
heart," then — "Darling, do your duty!" and
he'll do it.
LUCY
Well, Theodore has certainly done his duty
by society — six children !
JUDGE
Then society hasn't done its duty by Theo
dore — only one salary !
JOHN
The more credit to him ! He and Mary have
sacrificed everything to their children and the
Church — even health !
THEODORE
We don't need your pity ! We don't want
your praise ! Poverty, suffering, even separa
tion, have only drawn us closer together. We
love each other through it all ! Why, in the last
letter the doctor let her write she said, she
said — [Suddenly overcome with emotion, turns
abruptly.] If you'll excuse me, Lucy . . . Sani
tarium . . . the telephone.
[THEODORE goes into the house.
46
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
Not praise or pity but something more sub
stantial and, by George, I'll get it for them !
[Turns to JOHN, who interrupts.
JOHN
See the example he sets to society — I honor
him for it.
JUDGE
Fine! but that doesn't seem to restore Mary's
radiant health, Theodore's brilliant youth.
LUCY
Ah, but they have their children — think how
they adore those beautiful children !
JUDGE
No, don't think how they adore them, think
how they rear those beautiful children — in the
streets; one little daughter dead from conta
gion; one son going to the devil from other
things picked up in the street ! If marriage is a
social institution, look at it socially. Why, a
marriage like mine is worth a dozen like theirs
— to Society. Look at my well-launched chil
dren; look at my useful career, as a jackal to
47
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
Big Business; look at my now perfectly con
tented spouse!
LUCY
But if you are divorced!
JUDGE
Is the object of marriage merely to stay
married ?
LUCY
But character, think of the character they
have gained.
JUDGE
Oh, is it to gain character at the expense of
helpless offspring? Society doesn't gain by that
— it loses, Lucy, it loses. . . . But simply be
cause, God bless 'em, "they love each other
through it all," you sentimental standpatters
believe in lying about it, do you ?
JOHN
[bored, whips out pocket check-book and fountain
pen]
Oh, talk, talk, talk! Money talks for me.
. . . But they're both so confoundedly proud !
"AND So THEY WE*RE MARRIED"
JUDGE
Go on, write that check ! QOHN writes.] They
must sacrifice their pride, John. Nothing else
left to sacrifice, I'm afraid.
JOHN
Well, you get this to them somehow.
[Hands check to JUDGE.
JUDGE
Aha ! Talk did it. ... Five thousand ? Gen
erous John !
JOHN
[impatiently]
Never mind about me. That problem is all
settled; now about Helen. . . . Lucy ! I thought
I told you
[Lucv, in a guilty hurry, escapes into the
house.
JUDGE
John, charity never settles problems; it per
petuates them. You can't cure social defects by
individual treatment.
JOHN
[more impatiently]
Does talk settle anything ?
49
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
Everything. We may even settle the marriage
problem if we talk honestly. [THEODORE returns
from telephoning to the sanitarium.} Theodore,
it's all right ! John honestly believes in setting
an example to society ! Crazy to have his sisters
go and do likewise !
THEODORE
Splendid, John ! I knew you'd see it — an
ideal match.
JUDGE
{overriding JOHN]
Right, Theodore, ideal. This scientific suitor
will shower everything upon her John honors
and admires: A host of servants — I mean sac
rifices; carriages and motors — I mean charac
ter and morals; just what her brother advocates
in Sunday-school — for others. An ideal mar
riage.
JOHN
[hands in pockets]
You think you're awfully funny, don't you ?
Humph ! I do more for the Church, for educa
tion, art, science than all the rest of the family
50
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
combined. Incidentally, I'm not divorced. . . .
But this is a practical world, Theodore, I've got
to protect my own.
LUCY
[returning]
Helen will be here in a minute.
JOHN
[suddenly getting an idea}
Ah ! I have it ! I know how to keep them
apart !
THEODORE
Be careful, John — these two love each other.
JUDGE
Yes, young people still fall in love. Whether
we make it hard or easy for them — they will
do it. But, mark my words, unless we reform
marriage, there is going to be a sympathetic
strike against it — as there is already against
having children. Instead of making it harder to
get apart, we've got to make it easier to stay
together. Otherwise the ancient bluff will soon
be called !
LUCY
Sssh ! Here she comes.
51
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
Please don't talk this way before her.
JUDGE
All right, I'm not divorced yet, . . . still in
the conspiracy of silence.
[HELEN appears at the door. A sudden silence.
HELEN
[kissing THEODORE and JUDGE affectionately]
I'm so sorry to hear about dear Mary. [To
JUDGE.] But why didn't Aunt Julia come ? Is
she ill, too ? [Slight panic in the family party.
JUDGE
She's gone to Re-Re-Rio Janeiro — I mean
to Santa Barbara — wants a complete change
— The Rest Cure. [To THEODORE apart.} Lie
number one.
[Another silence. LUCY makes tea for HELEN.
HELEN
[taking the cup]
Well, go on !
THEODORE
Go on with what ?
52
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
[stirring tea]
Your discussion of marriage.
LUCY
How did you know ?
HELEN
Oh, it's in the air. Everybody's talking about
it nowadays.
[She sips tea, and the others look conscious.
THEODORE
My dear, marriage is woman's only true
career.
HELEN
[raising her shield of flippancy]
So Lucy tells me, Cousin Theodore. But a
woman cannot pursue her career, she must be
pursued by it; otherwise she is unwomanly.
JUDGE
Ahem. As we passed through the library a
while ago, I think I saw your little sister being
pursued by her career.
HELEN
Yes, uncle, but Jean is a true woman. I'm
only a New Woman.
53
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
All the same, you'll be an old woman some
day — if you don't watch out.
HELEN
Ah, yes, my life's a failure. I haven't trapped
a man into a contract to support me.
LUCY
[picks up knitting bag and does her best to look
like "just an old-fashioned wife"}
You ought to be ashamed ! Making marriage
so mercenary. Helen, dear, haven't you New
Women any sentiment ?
HELEN
Enough sentiment not to make a mercenary
marriage, Lucy, dear.
JUDGE
Ahem ! And what kind of a marriage do you
expect to make?
HELEN
Not any, thank you, uncle.
JUDGE
What ! You don't believe in holy matrimony ?
54
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
Only as a last extremity, uncle, like unholy
divorce.
JUDGE
[jumps]
What do you know about that ?
HELEN
I know all about it ! [Others jump.] I have
been reading up on the subject.
[A 'II relax, relieved, but now gather about ike
young woman.
THEODORE
Come now, simply because many
young people rush into marriage with
out thinking —
LUCY
Simply because these New Women —
JOHN
Simply because one marriage in a
thousand ends in divorce —
55
[To-
gether]
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
Wait ! . . . One in a thousand ? Dear me,
what an idealist you are, John ! In America,
one marriage in every eleven now ends in
divorce. And yet you wonder why I hesitate.
JOHN
One in eleven — rot! [To JUDGE.] All this
muck-raking should be suppressed by the Gov
ernment. "One in eleven !" Bah !
HELEN
[demurely]
The Government's own statistics, John.
[They all turn to the JUDGE for denial, but he
nods confirmation, with a complacent
smile, murmuring: " Two souls with but a
single thought."
LUCY
\sweetly knitting]
Well, I may be old-fashioned, but it seems to
me that nice girls shouldn't think of such things.
. . . Their husbands will tell them all they
ought to know about marriage — after they're
married.
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
Ah, I see. Nice girls mustn't think until after
they rush in, but they mustn't rush in until
after they think. You married people make it
all so simple for us.
JUDGE
Right ! The way to cure all evil is for nice
people to close their minds and mouths to
it. It's "unpleasant" for a pure mind, and it
"leaves a bad taste in the mouth." So there
you are, my dear.
JOHN
[coming in strong]
Oh, talk, talk, talk ! I've had enough. See
here, young lady, I offered to pay all your ex
penses abroad for a year. You didn't seem to
appreciate it — well, the trustees of the insti
tute are now to give Doctor Hamilton a year
abroad. How do you like that ?
[All turn and look at HELEN.
HELEN
Splendid ! Just what he needs ! Doctor Metch-
nikoff told me in Paris that America always
57
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
kills its big men with routine. When do we
start ? [She tries to look very businesslike.
JOHN
[springing to his feet]
"We !" Do you think you are going ?
HELEN
Of course ! I'm his assistant — quite indis
pensable to him . . . [To all.] Oh, well, if you
don't believe me, ask him !
JOHN
[pacing to and fro]
What next ! Paris ! Alone, with a man ! —
Here's where I call a halt !
HELEN
But if my work calls me, I don't really see
what you have to say about it, John.
JOHN
Better not defy me, Helen. [He scowls.
HELEN
Better not bully me, John. [She smiles.
58
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
I am your brother.
HELEN
But not my owner ! [Then, instead of defiance,
she turns with animated interest to the others.]
You know, all women used to be owned by men.
Formerly they ruled us by physical force —
now by financial force. . . . But at last they
are to lose even that hold upon us — poor dears !
[Pats JOHN'S shoulder playfully.
JOHN
[amused, but serious]
That's all right in theory, but this is a prac
tical world. My pull got you into the institute;
my pull can get you out. You give up this wild
idea or give up your job !
HELEN
[delighted]
What did I tell you ? Financial force ! They
still try it, you see. [To JOHN.] What if I re
fused to give up either, John?
59
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
[emphatic]
Then as a trustee of the institute I ask for
your resignation — right here and now ! [Turns
away.] I guess that will hold her at home a
while.
HELEN
I simply must go to Paris now. I've nothing
else to do !
JOHN
[with a confident smile]
You will, eh ? Who'll pay your expenses this
time ?
HELEN
[matter of fact]
Doctor Hamilton.
LUCY
Helen ! please ! You oughtn't to say such
things even in joke.
HELEN
He'll take me along as his private secretary,
if I ask him.
[A pause. The others look at one another
helplessly.
60
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
John, she's got you. You might as well quit.
JOHN
Nonsense. I have just begun. You'll see.
THEODORE
If you're so independent, my dear, why don't
you marry your scientist and be done with it ?
HELEN
[resents the intrusion but hides her feelings]
Can you keep a secret ? [They all seem to think
they can and gather near.] He has never asked
me! {The family seems annoyed.
LUCY
[with match-making ardor}
No wonder, dear, he has never seen you except
in that awful apron. But those stunning dinner
gowns John bought you in Paris ! My dear, in
evening dress you are quite irresistible !
JUDGE
[apart to THEODORE]
Irresistible ? Pink parasols. What a system !
61
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
But you see, I don't want him to ask me.
I've had all I could do to keep him from it.
[The family seems perplexed.
JOHN
She's got some sense left.
\
LUCY
But suppose he did ask you, dear ?
HELEN
Why, I'd simply refer the matter to John, of
course. If John said, "Love him," I'd love him;
if John said, "Don't love him," I'd turn it off
like electric light.
[The family is becoming exasperated.
LUCY
[insinuating
Oh, you can't deceive us. We know how much
you admire him, Helen.
HELEN
Oh, no you don't! [The family is amazed.}
Not even he does. Did you ever hear how he
62
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
risked his life in battle down in Cuba ? Why,
he's a perfect hero of romance !
JOHN
[mutters]
Never even saw a war — mollycoddle germ
killer!
HELEN
Not in the war with Spain — the war against
yellow fever, John. . . . No drums to make
him brave, no correspondents to make him
famous — he merely rolled up his sleeve and let
an innocent-looking mosquito bite him. Then
took notes on his symptoms till he became de
lirious. . . . He happened to be among those
who recovered. [The family is impressed.
THEODORE
Old-fashioned maidens used to marry their
heroes, Helen.
HELEN
[arising, briskly]
But this new-fashioned hero gets only two
thousand dollars a year, Theodore.
[She turns to escape.
63
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
[nodding]
I told you she had sense.
THEODORE
Helen ! You selfish, too ? Why, Mary and I
married on half that, didn't we, John ?
[He looks around. The family looks away.
HELEN
[with unintended emphasis]
Doctor Hamilton needs every cent of that
enormous salary — books, travel, scientific con
ferences — all the advantages he simply must
have if he's to keep at the top and do his best
work for the world. The most selfish thing a
girl can do is to marry a poor man.
[With that she hurries up the steps.
THEODORE
[following her]
All the same, deep down under it all, she has
a true woman's yearning for a home to care for
and a mate to love. [She is silently crying.] Why,
Helen, dear, what's the matter ?
64
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
[hiding her emotion]
Oh, why can't they let me alone ! They make
what ought to be the holiest and most beautiful
thing in life the most horrible and dishonest.
They make me hate marriage — hate it !
[Unseen by HELEN, the BUTLER steps out.
THEODORE
[patting her shoulder]
Just you wait till the right one comes along.
BUTLER
[to LUCY]
Doctor Hamilton has come, ma'am.
HELEN
[with an old-fashioned gasp]
Good heavens ! [And runs to the family.
LUCY
Show Doctor Hamilton out.
[The BUTLER goes.
HELEN
A plot to entrap him ! [Running to and fro
65
"AND So THEY WE RE MARRIED"
wildly.] But it's no use ! I'm going . . . until
he's gone ! [HELEN runs into the garden.
JUDGE
Fighting hard, poor child.
THEODORE
But what'll we do ?
JUDGE
Don't worry — she can't stay away — the
sweet thing !
JOHN
Now listen, we must all jolly him up — he'll
be shy in these surroundings.
JUDGE
Going to surrender, John ?
JOHN
What I am going to do requires finesse.
LUCY
[in a flutter, seeing HAMILTON approach]
Oh, dear ! how does one talk to highbrows ?
66
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
Talk to him about himself! Highbrows, low
brows, all men love it.
[ERNEST HAMILTON, discoverer of the Ham
ilton antitoxin, is a fine-looking fellow of
about thirty-five, without the spectacles or
absent-mindedness somehow expected of
scientific genius. He talks little but very
rapidly and sees everything. It does not
occur to him to be shy or embarrassed "in
these surroundings" — not because he is
habituated to so much luxury, on three
thousand a year, nor because he despises
it; he likes it; but he likes other things even
more. That is why he works for two thou
sand a year, instead of working for fat,
fashionable fees in private practice.
JOHN meets his distinguished guest at the
door — effusively, yet with that smiling
condescension which wealthy trustees some
times show to "scientists, college professors,
and that sort of thing."
JOHN
Ah, Doctor Hamilton ! Delighted to see you
on my little farm at last. Out here I'm just a
plain, old-fashioned farmer.
67
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
[ERNEST glances about at the magnificence
and smiles imperceptibly. He makes no
audible replies to the glad welcome, but
bows urbanely, master of himself and the
situation.
LUCY
Doctor Hamilton ! So good of you to come.
THEODORE
How are you, Ernest ? Glad to see you.
LUCY
I don't think you've met our uncle, Judge
Grey.
JUDGE
[humorously adopting their manner]
Charmed ! I've heard so much about you ! —
from my niece.
LUCY
[to ERNEST'S rescue, like a tactful hostess]
A cup of tea, Doctor Hamilton ?
ERNEST
[unperturbed by the reference to HELEN]
Thanks.
68
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
[while LUCY makes tea. Trustee manner]
I have often desired to express my admiration
of your heroism in the war against yellow fever
in er — ah — Cuba, when you let an innocent-
looking mosquito bite you
LUCY
[nodding and poising sugar-tongs]
And then took notes on your symptoms till
you became delirious !
ERNEST
No sugar, thanks.
[He looks from one to another with consider
able interest.
JUDGE
No drums to make you famous, no war cor
respondents to make you brave — I mean the
other way round.
ERNEST
[to LUCY poising cream pitcher]
No cream, please.
JOHN
Senator Root says this one triumph alone
69
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
saves twenty million dollars a year to the busi
ness interests of the United States! I call that
true patriotism.
ERNEST
[with a nod of assent to LUCY]
Lemon.
THEODORE
[with sincerity]
General Wood says it saves more human
lives a year than were lost in the whole Spanish
War ! I call it service.
JUDGE
Colonel Goethals says the Panama Canal
could not have been built if it hadn't been for
you self-sacrificing scientists. Not only that,
but you have abolished forever from the United
States a scourge which for more than a cen
tury had through periodic outbreaks spread ter
ror, devastation, and death. [A $ause.
ERNEST
[bored, but trying to hide it}
The ones who deserve your praise are the four
who died to prove that theory. . . . [He smiles]
Of course, you all know their names. . . . [He
70
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
looks at JOHN, who looks at JUDGE, who looks at
LUCY, who looks at THEODORE. He takes up his
cup] Delicious tea.
THEODORE
Ah, but they didn't do it for fame, for
money — that's the beauty of the sacrifice.
ERNEST
[with a smile}
Quite so. ... That's what Congress told us
when we suggested a pension for the widow of
the first victim.
ALL
What ! Did Congress refuse the pension?
ERNEST
[finishes his tea}
They finally voted the sum of seventeen
dollars a month for the widow and no less than
two dollars a month extra for each of his chil
dren. . . .
LUCY
Is that all?
71
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
No. . . . We pestered Congress to death until,
a few years ago, they replaced the pension with
an annuity of one hundred and twenty-five dol
lars a month — though some of them said it
was a very bad precedent to establish. [Returns
cup to LUCY.] No more, thanks, delicious.
[And turns to admire the wide-sweeping view
of the farm, hands in pockets.
JOHN
[after a pause]
Well, I think our scientists might well be
called philanthropists.
ERNEST
Hardly ! You see, every one knows the names
of philanthropists. . . . Better let it go at "scien
tists."
JUDGE
He's right. Philanthropists don't give their
lives, they give their names — have 'em carved
in stone over their institutes and libraries.
[ John approaches and joins his guest.
ERNEST
Charming little farm you have here.
72
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
Doctor Hamilton, America kills its big men
with routine. You are too valuable to the
nation to lose — the trustees think you need a
year abroad.
ERNEST
That's strange, I came out here to suggest
that very thing. . . . Somebody has been saying
kind things about me in Paris. Just had a let
ter from the great Metchnikoff — wants me to
come over and work in the Pasteur ! Chance
of a lifetime ! . . . You didn't have to jolly me
up to consent to that !
JOHN
[pacing terrace with his guest, arm in arm}
By the by, my sister is rather keen on science.
ERNEST
Best assistant I ever had. You can pile an
awful lot of routine on a woman. The female of
the species is more faithful than the male. . . .
She's over there already. We can get right to
work.
JOHN
She'll be back before you start.
73
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
[stops short]
I didn't know that. . . . Well, what is it ?
QOHN hesitates, turns to the family, all
watching with breathless interest.
THEODORE
Don't you see, old chap, under the circum
stances it would hardly do for her to go back
to Paris with you.
ERNEST
Why not ?
LUCY
You're a man.
ERNEST
[smiling
You mean I'm dangerous ?
LUCY
But she's a woman.
JUDGE
They mean she's dangerous.
74
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
My dear fellow, we are going to ask you quite
frankly to decline to take her.
ERNEST
[looks about at the circle of anxious faces. He
wont let them read him}
So that's it, eh ? ... But it's the chance of
a lifetime for her, too. She needs it more than
I do. She's had so little chance to do original
work.
JOHN
But she's a woman.
ERNEST
Just what has that to do with it ?
JOHN
Everything. We have the highest respect for
you, Doctor Hamilton, but also . . . one must
respect the opinions of the world, you know.
ERNEST
[thinks it over]
That's right. One must. I forgot to think of
that. . . . It's curious, but when working with
75
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
women of ability one learns to respect them so
much that one quite loses the habit of insulting
them. Too bad how new conditions spoil fine old
customs. . . . Suppose you let her go and let me
stay. I can find plenty to do here, I fancy.
JOHN
I fear it would offend our generous benefactor,
Mr. Baker. He has set his heart on your going
abroad, meeting other big men, getting new
ideas for our great humanitarian work. [The
family exchange glances while JOHN lies on.} Be
sides, my sister would only go to accommodate
you. She particularly desires to stay here this
winter. That's why she is returning so soon,
you see.
ERNEST
[believes it]
Oh, I see. . . . I'm sure I have no desire to
drag her over with me. . . . [Smiles at himself.]
I rather thought the opportunity to continue
our experiments together . . . but that's all
right.
JOHN
Then it's all settled — you agree to go alone ?
76
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
[a slight pause]
Yes, alone. It's quite settled.
JOHN
How soon could you start ?
ERNEST
[absently]
How soon? Why, just as soon as I get some
one to run my department.
JOHN
Could my sister run it ?
ERNEST
[smiles]
Could she run it ? It can't run without her!
She's as systematic as [to LUCY] — as a good
housekeeper.
JOHN
[with a satisfied look at the others]
Then that's all fixed ! She'll stay when I tell
her that you want her to. Could you arrange
to start at once ?
77
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"'
ERNEST
[hesitates]
By leaving here to-night, I could.
JOHN
[with a triumphant look at the family]
Then I'll telephone for your passage — I have
a pull with all the steamship lines. [Going.] Of
course I hate to cut short your week-end, but I
don't want to spoil any scientific careers.
QOHN hurries in to telephone. ERNEST starts
too, as if to stop him but restrains the im
pulse. He stands alone by the door gazing
out over the landscape while LUCY, THEO
DORE, and the JUDGE discuss him in low
tones by the tea-table.
LUCY
Can't you see, you stupid men ! He's crazy
about her — but thinks there's no hope.
THEODORE
When she finds he's leaving for a year . . .
she'll change her mind about marriage !
[ERNEST comes back to earth and to the house-
party.
78
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
[to ERNEST, joining them]
Ahem ! We were just discussing the marriage
danger — I mean the marriage problem.
ERNEST
[with a smile]
Go right on — don't mind me.
THEODORE
[old-friend manner]
See here ! When are you ever going to marry ?
ERNEST
[modern bachelor's laugh]
When am I ever going to get more than two
thousand a year ?
THEODORE
Bah ! what has money got to do with it ! Just
you wait till the right one comes along.
[HELEN comes along, stealing up the steps
from the garden on tiptoe with the grave,
absorbed look of a hunter stalking game.
She catches sight of the man she wants
and stops shorty as motionless as if frozen.
But not so ! Her lovely hands were poised;
79
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
one of them now goes to her bosom and
presses there. There is nothing icy about
this New Woman now.
ERNEST
[as unconscious of danger as a mountain-lion on
an inaccessible height, smiles easily at his
sentimental old friend THEODORE]
How do you know "the right one" hasn't
come already ?
[THEODORE catches sight of HELEN. She
shakes her head in silent pleading, taps a
finger on her lips, and in a panic flees
noiselessly across toward the door.
THEODORE
[suppressing a laugh]
Then don't let her go by !
[HELEN stops at the door and makes a face at
THEODORE.
ERNEST
[affecting indifference}
Oh, I couldn't stop her, even if I wanted to.
THEODORE
[turning to wink at HELEN]
How do you know ? Did you ever ask her ?
80
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
To marry me ? Oh, no ! She hasn't any
money.
THEODORE
[HELEN is dumfounded]
Money ! You wouldn't marry for money !
[HELEN draws near to hear the answer.
^ ERNEST
You don't suppose I'd marry a woman who
hadn't any? Most selfish thing a poor man can
do. [HELEN is interested.
THEODORE
Oh, fiddlesticks ! You modern young people —
ERNEST
[interrupts]
Make her a sort of superior servant in an in
ferior home — not that girl ! [HELEN is pleased.
THEODORE
Feministic nonsense ! The old-fashioned wo
manly woman
Si
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
Sentimental twaddle ! What makes it more
"womanly" to do menial work for men than
intellectual work with them ?
[HELEN delighted, applauds noiselessly.
THEODORE
All the same, I'll bet you wouldn't let a little
thing like that stand in your way if you really
cared for a woman enough to marry her.
ERNEST
[benign and secure]
But, as it happens, I don't. Nothing could
induce me to marry.
[HELEN raises her chin, her eyes glitter dan
gerously.
THEODORE
So you are going to run away to Europe like
a coward ?
ERNEST
[smiles patronizingly]
Theodore, you are such an incorrigible ideal
ist ! I have nothing to be afraid of — I simply
do not care to marry !
82
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
That's just what / said !
[All turn and behold HELEN.
ERNEST
My heavens ! [He steps back like a coward.
HELEN
But I agree with you perfectly. [She holds out
her hand to him.] I was so afraid you believed in
marriage. [He rushes to her eagerly.
JUDGE
[as the lovers shake hands]
You wronged him. Apologize.
ERNEST
Why — why — all this time, I thought you
had the usual attitude.
JUDGE
Wronged her. Both apologize.
HELEN
Why didn't you ever tell me you had such
enlightened views ?
83
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
Why didn't you ever tell me ?
JUDGE
Each understands the other now. Everything
lovely !
HELEN
Think of the discussions we might have had !
JUDGE
Not too late yet. Julia and I had discussions
for a quarter of a century.
HELEN
Don't think I had any hand in this. [Laughs.]
I was going to warn you, but now — it is un
necessary now.
ERNEST
Warn me ? What do you mean ?
HELEN
Can't you see ? It was all a plot ! [Lucv draws
near noiselessly.] A plot to entrap you in mar
riage ! They -had about given me up as a bad
84
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
job. You were my last hope. They were going
to throw me at your head. [Louder but without
turning.] Weren't you, Lucy dear ?
LUCY
[caught listening, turns abruptly to the others]
These New Women are utterly shameless.
HELEN
[to ERNEST]
These old-fashioned women are utterly shame
less. After a decent interval, they will all with
one accord make excuses to leave us here alone,
so that I can — [she comes nearer] ensnare you !
[ERNEST laughs nervously.] Lucy is going to say
— [imitates LUCY'S sweet tones]: "If you'll ex
cuse me, I always take forty winks before dress
ing." Dressing is the hardest work Lucy has to
do. Cousin Theodore will find that he must
write to his wife, and Uncle Everett will feel a
yearning for the billiard room. [ERNEST is nod
ding and chuckling.] They're hanging on longer
than usual to-day, and I simply must have a
talk with you.
ERNEST
Our shop-talk would scandalize 'em !
85
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
Wait, I'll get rid of them !
[She sits and begins to make tea.
ERNEST
I've had my tea, thanks.
HELEN
Stupid ! Sit down. [Indicates a chair close to
hers. He takes it cautiously.] We'll have a little
fun with them in a minute.
[She is busy now making tea.
THEODORE
[to LUCY and the JUDGE apart]
You may be right, Uncle Everett, but upon
my word it is the strangest courtship I ever
witnessed.
LUCY
They ought to be spanked.
JUDGE
Don't worry, old Mother Nature will attend
to that.
LUCY
Well, I may be old-fashioned, but
86
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
[interrupting]
But this is merely a new fashion, my dear
Lucy. Nature her ancient custom holds, let
science say what it will.
-
HELEN
[handing cup to ERNEST with a glance at the
others]
Now, then, be attentive to me. [He leans to
ward her rather shyly ', abashed by her nearness.
She makes eyes at him reproachfully.] Oh, can't
you be more attentive than that? [She acts like
a coquette and he looks into her beautiful eyes and
while he is doing so she says with a fascinating
drawl] Now tell me a-all about anterior polio
myelitis !
ERNEST
[suddenly taken aback, he laughs]
Nothing doing since you left.
[And bends close to explain.
LUCY
If you'll excuse me, Doctor Hamilton, I
87
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
always take forty winks before dressing. We
dine at eight.
[Going, she signals to the others. ERNEST and
HELEN exchange smiles.
THEODORE
[laughing, to LUCY]
Ss't ! Don't tell John what's going on ! Keep
him busy telephoning. [LucY nods excitedly and
almost runs to obey the Church} Helen, if you
and Ernest will excuse me, I really must write
to Mary.
[Their shoulders are close together and they
seem too absorbed to reply. THEODORE
smiles down upon them and signals the
JUDGE to come along. The JUDGE, how
ever, shakes his head but waves THEO
DORE into the house. Uncle Everett looks at
the lovers with quizzical interest. He draws
near and eavesdrops shamelessly.
HELEN
You oughtn't to have dropped the polio ex
periments.
ERNEST
You oughtn't to have dropped me — right
in the midst of the experiments. Those agar
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
plates you were incubating dried up and spoiled.
You played the very devil with my data.
JUDGE
God bless my soul ! what are we coming to ?
HELEN
[without turning]
It's perfectly proper for your little ears,
uncle, only you can't understand a word of it.
Won't any one play billiards with you ?
JUDGE
But I'm fascinated. It's so idyllic. Makes me
feel young again.
HELEN
[to ERNEST]
Oh, you have plenty of men assistants who
can estimate antitoxin units.
ERNEST
Men assistants lose interest. They are all so
confoundedly ambitious to do original work.
Why is it women can stand day after day of mo
notonous detail better than men ?
89
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
Because men always made them tend the
home !
JUDGE
Ah, nothing like a good old-fashioned love
scene — in the scientific spirit.
HELEN
Uncle, dear ! Can't you see that he is paying
me wonderful compliments ? Haven't you any
tact ? Go and play Canfield in the library.
JUDGE
[lighting cigar]
Very well, I'll leave you to your own devices
— and may God, your God, have mercy on your
scientific souls.
HELEN
[with sudden animation and camaraderie, think'
ing they are alone]
Now I must tell you what Doctor Metchni-
koff said about you and your future !
JUDGE
Sst ! [HELEN and ERNEST turn.} My children
90
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
— [Pause — raises his hand.] Don't forget the
scientific spirit !
[The JUDGE saunters off into the garden,
smoking.
ERNEST
How did you ever meet Metchnikoff ?
HELEN
[chaffing]
I had worked under Hamilton ! They all
wanted to meet me.
ERNEST
[with an unmistakable look]
U'm . . . was that why? [Fleeing danger]
Didn't you let them know your part in that
discovery ? Why, if it hadn't been for you, I
should never have stumbled upon the thing
at all.
HELEN
Oh, I know my place too well for that ! Talk
about artistic temperament, you scientists are
worse than prima donnas.
ERNEST
[takes printers' proofs out of pocket, hands them
to her in silence]
Some proofs of a monograph I was correcting
91
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
on the train. Mind hammering those loose sen
tences of mine into decent English ? You can
write — I can't.
HELEN
[reading innocently]
"Recent Experiments in Anterior Poliomye
litis by Ernest Hamilton, M.D., Ph.D., and
Helen" — what ! why, you've put my name with
yours ! [Much excited and delighted.
ERNEST
Well, if you object — like a prima donna
[Takes out pencil to mark on proof.
HELEN
[snatching proofs away]
Object ? Why, this makes my reputation in
the scientific world.
ERNEST
Well, didn't you make mine ?
HELEN
[still glowing with pride, but touched by his unex
pected generosity]
You can't imagine what this means to me.
It's so hard for a woman to get any recognition.
92
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
Most men have but one use for us. If we get
interested in anything but them it is "un
womanly" — they call it "a fad." But they've
got to take me seriously now. My name with
Ernest Hamilton's !
, [Points to her name and swaggers back and
forth.
ERNEST
[bantering]
But then, you see, you are a very exceptional
woman. Why, you have a mind like a man.
HELEN
Like a man ? [Coming close to him, tempting
him.] If you had a mind like a woman you
would know better than to say that to me !
[Re-enter JUDGE from garden. He smiles and
glances at them. The lovers keep quiet as
he crosses to the door. Then they look at
each other and smile. JUDGE has gone into
the house. It is nearly dark. The moon is
rising.
ERNEST
[raises eyebrows}
They all take for granted that I want to
make love to you. [Smiles but avoids her eyes.
93
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
[avoids his]
Well, you took for granted that I wanted
you to ! . . . You are about the most conceited
man I ever knew.
ERNEST
How can I help it when you admire me so ?
HELEN
I ? Admire you ?
ERNEST
You're always telling me what great things
I'm going to do — stimulating me, pushing me
along. Why, after you left, everything went
slump. Tell me, why did you leave ? Was I rude
to you ? Did I hurt your feelings ?
HELEN
Not in the least. It was entirely out of respect
for your feelings.
ERNEST
My feelings ? [Laughing.] Oh, I see. You got it
into your head that / wanted to marry you !
94
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
Men sometimes do.
ERNEST
[looks away]
I suppose they do.
HELEN
It's been known to happen.
ERNEST
Talk about conceit ! Well, you needn't be
afraid ! I'll never ask you to marry me.
HELEN
[turns and looks at him a moment}
You can't imagine what a weight this takes
off my mind. [She looks away and sighs.
ERNEST
[enthusiastically]
Yes ! I feel as if a veil between us had been
lifted.
[He looks away and sighs too. Some one be
gins- " Tristan and Isolde" on the piano
within. The moon is up.
95
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
[after a pause]
Suppose we talk about — our work.
ERNEST
Yes ! Our work. Let's drop the other subject.
Look at the moon !
[Music and the moonlight flooding them.
HELEN
Seriously, you promise never to mention the
subject again ? [She keeps her eyes averted.
ERNEST
I promise. [He keeps his eyes averted.
HELEN
[turning to him with a sudden change to girlish
enthusiasm}
Then I'll go to Paris with you !
ERNEST
[recoils]
What's that ?
HELEN
Why, Doctor Metchnikoff — he promised me
he would invite you.
96
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
Yes, but —
HELEN
Don't miss the chance of a lifetime !
ERNEST
No, but you — you can't come !
HELEN
[simply]
If you need me I can, and you just said
ERNEST
But you mustn't come to Paris with me !
HELEN
Don't you want me with you ?
ERNEST
You are to stay at home and run the depart
ment for me.
HELEN
[stepping back]
Don't you want me with you ?
97
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
[stepping forward, with his heart in voice]
Do I want you ! [Stops.] But I am a man —
you are a woman.
HELEN
What of it ? Are you one of those small men
who care what people say ? No ! That's not your
reason ! [She sees that it is not.] What is it ? You
must tell me.
ERNEST
[hesitates]
It's only for your sake.
HELEN
[with feeling]
Think of all I've done for your sake. You
wouldn't be going yourself but for me ! I was
the one to see you needed it, I proposed it to
Metchnikoff — I urged him — made him ask
you — for your sake! And now am I to be left
at home like a child because you don't care
to be embarrassed with me?
ERNEST
Oh, please ! This is so unfair. But I simply
can't take you now.
98
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
[with growing scorn]
Oh ! You are all alike. You pile work upon me
until I nearly drop, you play upon my inter
est, my sympathy — you get all you can out of
me — my youth, my strength, my best ! And
then, just as I, too, have a chance to arrive in
my profession, you, of all men, throw me over !
I hate men. I hate you !
ERNEST
And I love you !
[They stare at each other in silence, the moon
light flooding HELEN'S face, the music
coming clear.
HELEN
[in an awed whisper, stepping back slowly}
I've done it! I've done it! I knew I'd do it!
ERNEST
No. I did it. Forgive me. I had to do it.
HELEN
Oh, and this spoils everything !
99
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
[comes closer]
No ! It glorifies everything ! [He breaks loose.]
I have loved you from the first day you came
and looked up at me for orders. I didn't want
you there; I didn't want any woman there.
I tried to tire you out with overwork but
couldn't. I tried to drive you out by rudeness,
but you stayed. And that made me love you
more. Oh, I love you ! I love you ! I love you !
HELEN
Don't; oh, don't love me !
ERNEST
[still closer]
Why, I never knew there could be women
like you. I thought women were merely some
thing to be wanted and worshipped, petted
and patronized. But now — why, I love every
thing about you: your wonderful, brave eyes
that face the naked facts of life and are not
ashamed; those beautiful hands that toiled so
long, so well, so close to mine and not afraid,
not afraid !
HELEN
You mustn't ! I am afraid now ! I made you
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"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
say it. [Smiling and crying.} I have always
wanted to make you say it. I have always sworn
you shouldn't.
ERNEST
[pained]
Because you cannot care enough ?
HELEN
Enough ? . . . Too much.
ERNEST
[overwhelmed]
You — love — me !
[He takes her in his arms, a silent embrace
with only the bland blase moon looking on.
HELEN
It is because I love you that I didn't want
you to say it — only I did. It is because I love
you that I went abroad — to stay, only I
couldn't ! I couldn't stay away ! [She holds his
face in her hands.} Oh, do you know how I
love you ? No ! . . . you're only a man !
ERNEST
[kissing her rapturously]
Every day there in the laboratory, when you
101
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
in your apron — that dear apron which I stole
from your locker when you left me — when you
asked for orders — did you know that I wanted
to say: "Love me" ! Every day when you took
up your work, did you never guess that I
wanted to take you up in my arms ?
HELEN
[smiling up into his face]
Why didn't you ?
ERNEST
Thank God I didn't! For while we worked
there together I came to know you as few men
ever know the women they desire. Woman can
be more than sex, as man is more than sex.
And all this makes man and woman not less
but more overwhelmingly desirable and neces
sary to each other, and makes both things last
— not for a few years, but forever !
[Sound of voices approaching from the gar
den. The lovers separate. It is JEAN and
REX, REX laughing, JEAN dodging until
caught and kissed.
JEAN
No, no — it's time to dress. ... Be good,
Rex — don't !
1 02
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
[Without seeing HELEN and ERNEST, they
disappear into the house. HELEN is sud
denly changed, as if awakened from a spell
of enchantment.
HELEN
What have we done ! This is all moonlight
and madness. To-morrow comes the clear light
of day.
ERNEST
Ah, but we'll love each other to-morrow !
HELEN
But we cannot marry — then or any other
to-morrow.
ERNEST
Can't ? What nonsense !
HELEN
[shaking her head and restraining him}
I have slaved for you all these months — not
because I wanted to win you from your work
but to help you in it. And now — after all —
shall I destroy you ? No ! No !
103
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
I love you — you love me — nothing else
matters.
HELEN
Everything else matters. I'm not a little
debutante to be persuaded that I am needed
because I am wanted ! I haven't played with
you; I have worked with you, and I know !
Think of Theodore ! Think of Lucy ! And now
poor little Jean. Marry you ? Never !
ERNEST
You mean your career ?
HELEN
[with supreme scorn]
My career ? No ! yours — always yours !
ERNEST
[with the same scorn and a snap of the fingers]
Then that for my career. I'll go back into pri
vate practice and make a million.
HELEN
That's just what I said you'd do. Just what
you must not do ! Your work is needed by the
world.
104
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
[wooing]
You are my world and I need you. . . . But
there is no love without marriage, no marriage
without money. . . . We can take it or leave
it. Can we leave it ? No ! I can't — you can't !
Come ! [She steps back slowly.] Why should we
sacrifice the best ! Come !
HELEN
So this is what marriage means ! Then I
cannot marry you, Ernest !
ERNEST
You cannot do without me, Helen ! [Holds
out his arms.] Come ! You have been in my arms
once. You and I can never forget that now. We
can never go back now. It's all — or nothing
now. Come ! [She is struggling against her pas
sion. He stands still, with arms held out.] I shall
not woo you against your will, but you are com
ing to me ! Because, by all the powers of earth
and heaven, you are mine and I am yours !
Come !
[Like a homing pigeon she darts into his arms
with a gasp of joy. A rapturous embrace in
105
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
silence with the moonlight streaming down
upon them. The music has stopped.
JOHN, dressed for dinner, strolls out upon
the terrace. He stops abruptly upon dis
covering them. The lovers are too absorbed
to be aware of his presence.
106
ACT II
ACT II
It is the next morning, Sunday.
It appears that at JOHN'S country place they have
breakfast at small tables out upon the broad,
shaded terrace overlooking the glorious view
of his little farm.
ERNEST and THEODORE, the scientist and the
clergyman, are breakfasting together. The oth
ers are either breakfasting in their rooms or
are not yet down, it being Sunday.
The man of God is enjoying his material bless
ings heartily. Also he seems to be enjoying
his view of the man of science, who eats little
and says less.
\
THEODORE
[with coffee-cup poised]
WHAT'S the matter with your appe
tite this morning, Ernest ? [ERNEST,
gazing up at one of the second-story
windows, does not hear. The door opens. He starts.
Then, seeing it's only a servant with food, he
109
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
sighs.] Expecting something ? The codfish balls ?
Well, here they are. [£RNEST refuses the prof
fered codfish balls, scowls, brings out cigar case,
lights cigar, looks at watch, and fidgets.] Oh, I
know — you're crazy to go with me — to
church ! [ERNEST doesn't hear. Creates a cloud of
smoke.] Their regular rector is ill. So I agreed to
take the service this morning. . . . Always the
way when off for a rest . . . isn't it ? [No
answer. THEODORE gets up, walks around the
table, and shouts in ERNEST'S face.] Isn't it?
ERNEST
[startled]
I beg your pardon ?
THEODORE
[laughs, ERNEST wondering what's the joke]
Oh, you're hopeless! [Going.] I can't stand
people who talk so much at breakfast.
ERNEST
[suddenly wakes up]
Wait a minute. Sit down. Have a cigar. Let's
talk about God. [THEODORE stops smiling.] But
I mean it. I'd like to have a religion myself,
no
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
I had an idea you took no stock in religion.
[Takes the cigar. ERNEST holds a match for
him.
ERNEST
[enthusiastically]
Just what I thought, until . . . well, I've
made a discovery, a great discovery!
THEODORE
A scientific discovery ?
ERNEST
[with a wave of the hand}
It makes all science look like a ... mere
machine.
THEODORE
Well, if you feel so strongly about it ...
better come to church after all !
ERNEST
I'm not talking about the Church — I'm talk
ing about religion.
Ill
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
You're not talking about religion; you're talk
ing about — love.
ERNEST
[quietly]
Certainly; the same thing, isn't it? I'm talk
ing about the divine fire that glorifies life and
perpetuates it — the one eternal thing we mor
tals share with God. . . . If that isn't religious,
what is ? [THEODORE smiles indulgently.] Tell
me, Theodore — you know I wasn't allowed to
go to church when young, and since then I've
always worked on the holy Sabbath day, like
yourself — does the Church still let innocent hu
man beings think there's something inherently
wrong about sex ? [THEODORE drops his eyes.
ERNEST disgusted with him.} I see ! Good people
should drop their eyes even at the mention of
the word.
THEODORE
Sex is a necessary evil, I admit, but
ERNEST
[laughs]
Evil ! The God-given impulse which accounts
for you sitting there, for me sitting here ? The
112
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
splendid instinct which writes our poetry,
builds our civilizations, founds our churches —
the very heart and soul of life is evil. Really,
Theodore, I don't know much about religion,
but that strikes me as blasphemy against the
Creator.
THEODORE
Very scientific, my boy, very modern; but
the Church believed in marriage before Science
was born.
ERNEST
As a compromise with evil ?
THEODORE
As a sacrament of religion — and so do you !
ERNEST
Good ! Then why practise and preach marriage
as a sacrament of property? "Who giveth this
woman to be married to this man — " Women
are still goods and chattels to be given or sold,
are they ?
THEODORE
Oh, nonsense !
"3
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
Then why keep on making them promise to
"serve and obey"? Why marry them with a
ring — the link of the ancient chain ? [He smiles.]
In the days of physical force it was made of
iron — now of gold. But it's still a chain, isn't
it?
THEODORE
Symbols, my dear fellow, not to be taken in a
literal sense — time-honored and beautiful sym
bols.
ERNEST
But why insult a woman you respect — even
symbolically ?
THEODORE
[with a laugh]
Oh, you scientists !
ERNEST
[joining in the laugh]
We try to find the truth — and you try to
hide it, eh ? Well, there's one thing we have in
common, anyway — one faith I'll never doubt
again; I believe in Heaven now. I always shall.
114
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
Do you mind telling me why, my boy ?
ERNEST
Not in the least. I've been there. QOHN comes
out to breakfast. He is scowling.] Good morning;
could you spare me five minutes?
JOHN
[ringing bell]
Haven't had breakfast yet.
ERNEST
After breakfast ?
JOHN
I've an appointment with young Baker.
ERNEST
[smiles]
I'll wait my turn.
JOHN
Going to be pretty busy to-day — you, too, I
suppose, if you're sailing to-morrow.
"5
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
I can postpone sailing. This is more impor
tant.
JOHN
I should hate to see anything interfere with
your career.
[Lucv also arrives for breakfast. She "al
ways pours her husband's co/ee."
ERNEST
I appreciate your interest, but I'll look out
for my "career." [To LUCY.] Could you tell me
when your sister will be down ?
JOHN
[overriding LUCY]
My sister is ill and won't be down at all ...
until after you leave.
[LucY pretends not to hear. THEODORE walks
away.
ERNEST
[aroused, but calm]
I don't believe you quite understand. It is a
matter of indifference to me whether we have
a talk or not. Entirely out of courtesy to you
that I suggest it.
116
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
Don't inconvenience yourself on my account.
ERNEST
[shrugs shoulders and turns to THEODORE]
Wait, I think I'll sit in church till train time.
THEODORE
[smoothing it over}
Come along. I'm going to preach about
marriage ! [THEODORE starts off.
ERNEST
[g°ing> turns to LUCY]
Thanks for your kindness. Will you ask the
valet to pack my things, please? I'll call for
them on the way to the station. [To JOHN.] Do
you understand ? I have no favors to ask of
you. You don't own your sister — she owns
herself. [The scientist goes to church.
JOHN
[with a loud laugh, turns to LUCY]
Rather impertinent for a two-thousand-dol
lar man, I think. [Resumes breakfast, picks up
newspaper. LUCY says nothing, attending to his
117
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
;
wants solicitously.] Bah ! what does this high
brow know about the power men of my sort
can use . . . when we have to? [Lucv cringes
dutifully in silence. JOHN, paper in one hand,
brusquely passes cup to LUCY with other.} Helen
got her own way about college, about work,
about living in her own apartment — but if she
thinks she can put this across ! Humph ! These
modern women must learn their place. [LucY,
smiling timidly, returns cup. JOHN takes it with
out thanks, busied in newspapers. A look of re
sentment creeps over LUCY'S pretty face, now that
he can't see her.] Ah ! I've got something up
my sleeve for that young woman. [LucY says
nothing, looks of contempt while he reads.] Well,
why don't you say something ?
LUCY
[startled]
I thought you didn't like me to talk at
breakfast, dear.
JOHN
Think I like you to sit there like a mummy ?
[No reply.] Haven't you anything to say ? [Ap
parently not.] You never have any more, noth
ing interesting. . . . Does it ever occur to you
that I'd like to be diverted? . . .No!
Ill
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
LUCY
Yes. . . . Would you mind very much if ...
if I left you, John ?
JOHN
Left me ? When — where — how long ?
LUCY
[gathering courage]
Now — any place — entirely.
JOHN
[bursts out laughing]
What suddenly put this notion in your head ?
LUCY
I'm sorry — John, but I've had it — oh, for
years. I never dared ask you till now.
JOHN
[still glancing over paper]
Like to leave me, would you ? . . . You have
no grounds for divorce, my dear.
LUCY
But you will have — after I leave you.
119
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
\yazvns]
You have no lover to leave with.
LUCY
[daintily]
But couldn't I just desert you — without
anything horrid ?
JOHN
[reads]
No money to desert with.
LUCY
[springs up — at bay]
You won't let me escape decently when I
tell you I don't want to stay? When I tell you
I can't stand being under your roof any longer?
When I tell you I'm sick of this life ?
JOHN
[gets up calmly}
But, you see, I can stand it. I want you to
stay. I'm not sick of it. You belong to me.
LUCY
[shrinking away as he approaches}
Don't touch me ! Every time you come near
me I have to nerve myself to stand it.
120
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
What's got into you ? Don't I give you every
thing money can buy ? My God, if I only gave
you something to worry about; if I ran after
other women like old man Baker
LUCY
If you only would ! — Then you'd let me
alone. To me you are repulsive.
JOHN
[taking hold of her}
Lucy ! You are my wife.
LUCY
[looking him straight in the eye}
But you don't respect me, and I — I hate
you — oh, how I hate you !
JOHN
[holds her fast}
I am your husband, your lawful husband.
LUCY
[stops struggling
Yes, this is lawful — but, oh, what laws you
men have made for women !
[The JUDGE comes out, carrying a telegram.
121
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
Rather early in the day for conjugal embraces,
if you should ask me. QOHN and LUCY separate.]
Makes me quite sentimental and homesick.
[JuDGE raises telegram and kisses it.
LUCY
[calming herself]
From Aunt Julia again ? Do you get tele
grams every day from Reno ?
JUDGE
No, but she caught cold. Went to the theatre
last night and caught a cold. So she wired me
— naturally; got the habit of telling me her
troubles, can't break it, even in Reno.
JOHN
I thought she hated the theatre !
JUDGE
So she does, but I'm fond of it; she went for
my sake. She's got the habit of sacrificing her
self for me. Just as hard to break good habits
as bad.
JOHN
True women enjoy sacrificing themselves.
122
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
Yes, that's what we tell them. Well, we
ought to know. We make 'em do it. [Brings out
a fountain pen and sits abruptly.] That's what
I'll tell her. I can hear her laugh. You know
her laugh.
LUCY
[rings for a servant]
A telegraph blank ?
JUDGE
[with a humorous expression he brings a whole
pad of telegraph blanks out of another
pocket]
Carry them with me nowadays. [Begins to
write.] Wish I hadn't sold my Western Union,
John.
JOHN
I don't believe you want that divorce very
uch.
JUDGE
It doesn't matter what / want— what she
wants is the point. You must give the woman
you marry tutti-frutti, divorces — everything.
123
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
. . . Why, I've got the habit myself, and God
knows I don't enjoy sacrifice — I'm a man !
The superior sex!
JOHN
I don't believe you appreciate that wife of
yours.
JUDGE
[between the words he's writing]
Don't I ? It isn't every wife that'd travel
away out to Reno — you know how she hates
travelling — and go to a theatre — and catch
a cold — ; and get a divorce — all for the sake
of an uncongenial husband. [Suddenly getting
an idea, strikes table.} I know what gave her a
cold. She raised all the windows in her bed
room — for my sake ! — I always kept them
down for her sake. I'll have to scold her. [Bends
to his writing again.] Poor little thing ! She
doesn't know how to take care of herself without
me. I doubt if she ever will.
[Looks over telegram. A SERVANT comes,
takes telegram, and goes.
JOHN
Uncle Everett, I want your advice.
124
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
John ! do you want a divorce ?
JOHN
No, we are not that sort, are we, Lucy ? [No
answer.} Are we, dear ? ,
LUCY
[after a pause]
No, we are not that sort !
JOHN
We believe in the sanctity of the home, the ,
holiness of marriage.
LUCY
Yes, we believe in — "the holiness of mar
riage !"
[Turns away, covering her face with her hands
and shuddering.
JOHN
Lucy, tell Helen and Jean to come here.
[Lucv goes.] Well, young Baker spoke to me
about Jean last night. I told him I'd think it
over and give him my decision this morning.
125
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
That's right. Mustn't seem too anxious, John.
When the properly qualified male offers one of
our dependent females a chance at woman's
only true career, of course it's up to us to look
disappointed.
JOHN
But I didn't bring up the little matter you
spoke of.
JUDGE
About that chorus girl ? . . . Afraid of scar
ing him off ?
JOHN
Not at all, but — well, it's all over and it's
all fixed. No scandal, no blackmail.
JUDGE
Hum! By the way, got anything on Hamil
ton ?
JOHN
I don't believe in saints myself.
126
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
I see. . . . Good thing, for Jean Rex isn't a
saint. I suppose you'd break off the match.
[REX, in riding clothes, comes out. JOHN sa
lutes him warmly. The JUDGE is reading
the paper.
REX
[not eagerly]
Well ?
JOHN
Well, of course, you realize that you're asking
a great deal of me, Rex, but — [Offers hand to
REX warmly.} Be good to her, my boy, be good
to her.
REX
[shaking hands, forced warmth]
Thanks awfully. See-what-I-mean ? [To
JUDGE.] Congratulate me, Judge; I'm the hap
piest of men.
JUDGE
[looking up from newspaper]
So I see. Don't let it worry you.
QEAN, in riding costume, comes from the
house.
127
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
[signalling JUDGE to leave]
If Helen asks for me, I'm in the garden.
JUDGE
If any telegrams come for me, I'm writing to
my wife !
QEAN and REX alone, they look at each other,
not very loverlike.
JEAN
[impulsively}
You weren't in love with me yesterday. You
aren't now. You would get out of it if you hon
orably could. But you honorably cant ! So you
have spoken to John; you are going to see it
through, because you're a good sport. ... I
admire you for that, Rex, too much to hold
you to it. You are released.
REX
[amazed]
Why — why — you — you don't suppose I
want to be released ?
JEAN
Well, I do ! ... Yesterday I let you pro-
128
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
pose to me when I cared for some one else.
That's not fair to you, to me, to him !
REX
[in a sudden fury}
Who is he ? What do you mean by this ? Why
didn't you tell me ?
JEAN
I am telling you now. What have you ever
told me about yourself ?
REX
[blinking
You had no right to play fast and loose with
me.
JEAN
I'm making the only amends I can. You are
free, I tell you.
REX
I don't want to be free ! He can't have you !
You are mine ! If you think you can make me
stop loving you
JEAN
[interrupting
Love, Rex ? Only jealousy. You've never been
129
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
in love with me — you've always been in love
with Helen. But you couldn't get her, so you
took me. Isn't that true, Rex ?
REX
[after an uncomfortable pause]
I'll be honest with you, too. Yesterday I
wasn't really very serious. I felt like a brute
afterward. You tried your best to prevent
what happened and ran away from me. But
now
JEAN
Don't you know why I ran away ? To make
you follow. I made you catch me. I made you
kiss me. Then you realized that we had been
thrown together constantly — deliberately
thrown together, if you care to know it — and,
well, that's how many marriages are made.
But I shan't marry on such terms. It's indecent !
REX
[another pause]
I never thought a woman could be capable
of such honesty ! . . . Oh, what a bully sport
you are ! You aren't like the rest that have been
shoved at me. Why, I can respect you. You are
the one for me. [He tries to take her.
130
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JEAN
[restraining him with dignity]
I am sorry, Rex, but I am not for you.
REX
Jean ! without you . . . don't you see — I'll
go straight to the devil !
JEAN
That old, cowardly dodge ? Any man who has
no more backbone than that — why, I wouldn't
marry you if you were the last man in the world.
REX
[frantic to possess what he cannot have}
You won't, eh ? We'll see about that. I want
you now as I never wanted anything in my life,
and I'll win you from him yet. You'll see !
[HELEN now appears.
HELEN
Oh, I beg your pardon. Lucy said John was
out here.
JEAN
I'll call him. [She runs down into the garden.
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
REX
I'll call him.
[He runs after JEAN. HELEN helplessly
watches them go, sighs, standing by the gar
den steps until JOHN ascends. He looks at
HELEN a moment, wondering how to begin.
She looks so capable and unafraid of him.
JOHN
If you hadn't gone to college, you could have
done what Jean is doing.
HELEN
[with a shrug and a smile]
But how proud you must be, John, to have
a sister who isn't compelled to marry one man
while in love with another. Now, aren't you
glad I went to college ?
[She laughs good-naturedly at him.
JOHN
Humph ! If you think I'd let a sister of mine
marry one of old man Baker's two-thousand-
dollar employees
HELEN
Why, John, didn't Ernest tell you ? Doctor
132
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
Hawksbee has offered him a partnership. Just
think of that !
JOHN
What ! Going back into private practice ?
HELEN
But it's such a fashionable practice. Hawks-
bee's made a million at it.
JOHN
But the institute needs Hamilton.
HELEN
Ah, but we need the money !
JOHN
[disconcerted]
So you are going to spoil a noble career, are
you ? That's selfish. I didn't think it of you.
There are thousands of successful physicians,
but there is only one Ernest Hamilton.
HELEN
[laughs]
Oh, don't worry, John, he has promised me
to keep his two-thousand-dollar job.
133
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
Ah, I'm glad. You must let nothing interfere
with his great humanitarian work. Think what
it means to the lives of little children ! Think
what it means to the future of the race ! Why,
every one says his greatest usefulness has hardly
begun !
HELEN
Oh, I know all that, I've thought of all that.
JOHN
Now, such men should be kept free from cares
and anxiety. What was it you said yesterday ?
"He needs every cent of his salary for books,
travel, all the advantages he simply must have
for efficiency." To marry a poor man — most
selfish thing a girl could do !
HELEN
Yes, John, that's what I said yesterday.
JOHN
[scoring]
But that was before he asked you ! [HELEN
smiles. He sneers.] Rather pleased with your
self now, aren't you ? "Just a woman after all"
134
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
- heroine of cheap magazine story ! Sacrifices
career for love ! . . . All very pretty and ro
mantic, my dear — but how about the man you
love ! Want to sacrifice his career, too ?
HELEN
But I'm not going to sacrifice what you are
pleased to call my career. . . . Therefore he
won't have to sacrifice his.
JOHN
What ! going to keep on working ? Will he
let the woman he loves work!
HELEN
[demure]
Well, you see, he says I'm "too good" to loaf,
JOHN
Humph ! who'll take care of your home when
3'ou're at work? Who'll take care of your work
when you're at home. Look at it practically.
To maintain such a home as he needs on such a
salary as he has — why, it would take all your
time, all your energy. To keep him in his class
you'll have to drop out of your own, become
a household drudge, a servant.
135
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
And if I am willing ?
JOHN
Then where's your intellectual companion
ship ? How'll you help his work ? Expense for
him, disillusionment for both. If you're the
woman you pretend to be, you won't marry
that man !
HELEN
[strong]
The world needs his work, but he needs mine,
and we both need each other.
JOHN
[stronger]
And marriage would only handicap his work,
ruin yours, and put you apart. You know that's
true. You've seen it happen with others. You
have told me so yourself!
HELEN
Then that settles it ! We must not, cannot,
shall not marry. We have no right to marry. I
agree with all you say — it would not join us
together; it would put us asunder.
136
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
And you'll give him up ? Good ! Good !
HELEN
Give him up ? Never ! The right to work, the
right to love — those rights are inalienable.
No, we'll give up marriage but not each other.
JOHN
But — but — I don't understand.
HELEN
[straight in his eyes]
We need each other — in our work and in
our life — and we're to have each other — until
life is ended and our work is done. Now, do
you understand ?
JOHN
[recoiling]
Are you in your right mind? Think what
you're saying.
HELEN
I have thought all night, John. You have
shown me how to say it.
137
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN'
But, but — why, this is utterly unbelievable !
Why I'm not even shocked. Do you notice ?
I'm not even shocked ? Because everything you
have said, everything you have done — it all
proves that you are a good woman.
HELEN
If I were a bad woman, I'd inveigle him into
marriage, John.
JOHN
Inveigle ! Marriage ! Are you crazy ? . . . Oh,
this is all one of your highbrow jokes !
HELEN
John, weren't you serious when you said
marriage would destroy him ?
JOHN
But this would destroy you !
HELEN
Well, even if that were so, which is more im
portant to the world ? Which is more important
to your "great humanitarian work" ?
138
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
Ah, very clever ! A bluff to gain my consent
to marrying him — a trick to get his salary
raised.
HELEN
[with force]
John, nothing you can do, nothing you can
say, will ever gain my consent to marrying him.
I've not told you half my reasons.
JOHN
My God ! my own sister ! And did you, for
one moment, dream that I would consent to
that !
HELEN
Not for one moment. I'm not asking your con
sent. I'm just telling you.
JOHN
[after scrutinizing her]
Ridiculous ! If you really meant to run away
with this fellow, would you come and tell me,
your own brother?
HELEN
Do you suppose I'd run away without telling,
even my own brother?
139
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
[looks at her a moment; she returns his gaze]
Bah ! — all pose and poppycock ! [He abruptly
touches bell.] I'll soon put a stop to this nonsense.
[Muttering.] Damnedest thing I ever heard of.
HELEN
John, I understand exactly what I'm doing.
You never will. But nothing you can do can
stop me now.
JOHN
We'll see about that. [The BUTLER appears.]
Ask the others to step out here at once; all
except Miss Jean and Mr. Baker, I don't want
them. Is Doctor Hamilton about ?
BUTLER
No, sir, he went to church.
JOHN
All right. [The BuTLERdisappears.] To church!
My God !
[HELEN pays no attention. She gazes straight
out into the future, head high, eyes clear
and wide open.
140
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
First of all, when the others come out, I'm
going to ask them to look you in the face. Then
you can make this statement to them, if you
wish, and — look them in the face.
HELEN
\with quiet scorn}
If I were being forced into such a marriage
as poor little Jean's, I would kill myself. But
in the eyes of God, who made love, no mat
ter how I may appear in the eyes of man,
who made marriage, I know that I am doing
right.
[LucY comes out, followed by the JUDGE.
JOHN
[not seeing them. He is loud]
Say that to Uncle Everett and Cousin Theo
dore ! Say that to my wife, stand up and say
that to the world, if you dare.
LUCY
[to JUDGE]
She has told him !
141
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
[wheeling about]
What ! did she tell you ? Why didn't you
come to me at once ?
LUCY
[tremulous]
She said she wanted to tell you herself. I
didn't think she'd dare!
[They all turn to look at HELEN. THEODORE
comes back from church alone.
HELEN
It had to be announced, of course.
THEODORE
[advancing, beaming
Announced ? What is announced ?
[All turn to him in a panic.
LUCY
[hurriedly]
Their engagement, Theodore !
JUDGE
[overriding HELEN]
Yes, John has given his consent at last — ex
ample to society. [Prods JOHN.
142
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
[also overrides HELEN]
Of course ! One of the finest fellows in the
world.
THEODORE
[delighted]
And withal he has a deep religious nature.
Congratulations. My dear, he'll make an ideal
husband.
[Takes both HELEN'S hands, about to kiss
her.
HELEN
[can't help smiling]
Thank you, cousin, but I don't want a
husband. [A sudden silence.
THEODORE
[looks from one to the other]
A lover's quarrel ? — already !
JUDGE
[enjoying it]
No, Theodore, these lovers are in perfect ac
cord. They both have conscientious scruples
against marriage.
H3
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
Conscientious !
JUDGE
So they are simply going to set up housekeep
ing without the mere formality of a wedding
ceremony. [THEODORE drops HELEN'S hands.
HELEN
[quietly]
We are going to do nothing of the sort.
THEODORE
Uncle Everett ! [ Takes her hands again.
HELEN
We are not going to set up housekeeping at
all. He will keep his present quarters and I mine.
JOHN
But they are going to belong to each other.
THEODORE
[drops HELEN'S hands — aghast]
I don't believe it.
144
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
[apart to THEODORE]
The strike against marriage. It was bound to
come.
THEODORE
[to JUDGE]
But Church and State — [indicates self and
JUDGE] must break this strike.
HELEN
John is a practical man. He will prove to
you that such a home as we could afford would
only be a stumbling-block to Ernest's useful
ness, a hollow sphere for mine. You can't fill it
with mere happiness, Lucy, not for long, not
for long.
JUDGE
[restrains THEODORE about to reply]
Oh, let her get it all nicely talked out, then
she'll take a nap and wake up feeling better.
[Whispering.] We've driven her to this ourselves,
but she really doesn't mean a word of it.
Come, dear child, tell us all about this night
mare.
145
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
[smiles at the JUDGE]
Why, think what would happen to an eager
intellect like Ernest Hamilton's if he had to
come back to a narrow-minded apartment or a
dreary suburb every evening and eat morbid
meals opposite a housewife regaling him with
the social ambitions of the other commuters.
Ugh ! It has ruined enough brilliant men already.
QUDGE restrains THEODORE and others who want
to interrupt^ Now at the University Club he
dines, at slight expense compared with keeping
up a home, upon the best food in the city with
some of the best scientists in the country. . . .
Marriage would divorce him from all that,
would transplant him from an atmosphere of
ideas into an atmosphere, of worries. We should
be forced into the same deadly ruts as the rest
of you, uncle. Do you want me to destroy a
great career, Theodore ?
THEODORE
Do you want to be a blot upon that career?
HELEN
[lightly]
I'd rather be a blot than a blight, and that's
what I'd be if I became his bride. Ask John.
146
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
LUCY
Do you want to be disgraced, despised, os
tracized !
HELEN
[smiles at LUCY]
A choice of evils, dear; of course, none of
those costly well-kept wives on your visiting
list will call upon me. But instead of one day at
home, instead of making a tired husband work
for me, I'll have all my days free to work with
him, like the old-fashioned woman you admire !
Instead of being an expense, I'll be a help to
him; instead of being separated by marriage
and divergent interests, we'll be united by love
and common peril. . . . Isn't that the orthodox
way to gain character, Theodore ?
JOHN
Oh, this is all damned nonsense ! Look here,
you've either got to marry this fellow now or
else go away and never see him again; never,
never!
HELEN
Just what I thought, John. I intended never
to see him again. That was why I let you send
me abroad. But I'll never, never do it again.
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
[Smiling like an engaged girl.] It was perfectly
dreadful ! Ernest couldn't get along without me
at all, poor old thing. And I, why, I nearly died.
JOHN
Then you'll have to be Ynarried, that's all.
THE OTHERS
Why, of course you'll have to, that's all.
HELEN
[nodding]
Oh, I know just how you feel about it. I
thought so, too, at first, but I can't marry
Ernest Hamilton. I love him.
THEODORE
But if you love him truly — marriage, my
dear, brings together those who love each other
truly.
HELEN
But those who love each other truly don't
need anything to bring them together. The
difficulty is to keep apart.
[A reminiscent shudder.
148
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
That's all romantic rot ! Every one feels that
way at first.
HELEN
At first ! Then tlje practical object of marriage
is not to bring together those who love each
other, but to keep together those who do not ?
[To LUCY.] What a dreadful thing marriage
must be! [JUDGE chokes down a chuckle.
JUDGE
Ah, so you wish to be free to separate. Now
we have it.
HELEN
To separate ? What an idea ! On the contrary,
we wish to be free to keep together ! In the old
days when they had interests in common mar
riage used to make man and woman one, but
now it puts them apart. Can't you see it all
about you ? He goes down-town and works; she
stays up-town and plays. He belongs to the
laboring class; she belongs to the leisure class.
At best, they seldom work at the same or sim
ilar trades. Legally it may be a union, but
socially it's a mesalliance — in the eyes of God
it's often worse. . . . No wonder that one in
149
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
eleven ends in divorce. The only way to avoid
spiritual separation is to shun legal union like a
contagious disease. Modern marriage is divorce.
[She turns to go, defiantly.] I've found my work,
I've found my mate, and so has he ! What more
can any human being ask ?
[The BUTLER appears.
BUTLER
[to JOHN]
Doctor Hamilton is outside in a taxicab, sir.
JOHN
Show him here at once !
BUTLER
He says he does not care to come in, sir,
unless you are ready to talk to him now.
JOHN
Well, of all the nerve ! You bet I'm ready !
[Starts off. HELEN starts, too.
JUDGE
[intercepting them calmly]
Wait a minute — wait a minute. [To SER
VANT.] Ask Doctor Hamilton kindly to wait in
150
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
the library. [The BUTLER goes.] Now, we're all
a bit overwrought. [Soothes HELEN, pats her
handy puts arm about her, gradually leads her
back.] I still believe in you, Helen, I still believe
in him. [To all.] It's simply that he's so deeply
absorbed in his great work for mankind that he
doesn't realize what he is asking Helen to do.
HELEN
[quietly]
So I told him . . . when he asked me to
marry him.
ALL
What ! He asked you to marry him ?
HELEN
Of course ! Implored me to marry him. [She
adds, smiling.] So absorbed — not in mankind,
but in me — that he "didn't realize what he
was asking me to do."
LUCY
[utterly amazed]
And you refused him ! The man who loves
you honorably ?
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
[demurely]
Of course ! You don't suppose I'd take ad
vantage of the poor fellow's weakness. Women
often do, I admit — even when not in love,
sometimes. . . . Not because they're deprived
but dependent.
JOHN
[to all]
And then he proposed this wicked substitirte!
Poisoned her innocent mind — the bounder!
HELEN
But he did nothing of the sort.
JOHN
Oh, your own idea, was it ?
HELEN
Of course !
JOHN
[to all]
And he is willing to take advantage of the
poor child's ignorance — the cad! [To THEO
DORE.] "Deep religious nature," eh ?
152
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
I can't believe it of him.
HELEN
He knows nothing about it yet. I haven't
even seen him since I made my decision.
[All exchange bewildered glances.
JOHN
[apart to JUDGE]
We've got to get him off to Paris. It's our
only hope.
JUDGE
[apart to JOHN]
You can't stop her following. She's on the
edge of the precipice — do you want to shove
her over ? You are dealing with big people here
and a big passion. [The BUTLER returns.
BUTLER
Doctor Hamilton asks to see Miss Helen
while waiting.
JUDGE
[calmly to BUTLER]
Tell Doctor Hamilton that Miss Helen will
see him here. [The BUTLER leaves.
153
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
Are you crazy ! We've got to keep 'em apart
— our one chance to save her.
JUDGE
No, bring them together. That is our one
chance. Come, we'll go down into the garden
and they'll have a nice little talk. Nothing like
talk, John, honest talk, to clear these marriage
problems. [Going.
JOHN
And let them elope ? In that taxicab ? — not
on your life ! [Runs to and fro.
JUDGE
Come, John, girls never notify the family in
advance when they plan elopements. It's not
done.
THEODORE
[going]
Uncle Everett is right. Ernest will bring her
to her senses. He has a deep religious nature.
QUDGE leads JOHN away to the garden.
154
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
LUCY
[lingering — to HELEN]
If you offer yourself on such terms to the man
who loves you honorably, he'll never look at
you again.
THEODORE
[leading LUCY off to garden]
Don't worry ! She won't.
[ERNEST rushes out to HELEN.
HELEN
Ernest !
ERNEST
At last ! [He takes her in his arms; she clings
to him and gazes into his eyes; a long embrace.]
Tell me that you're all right again.
HELEN
[smiling with love and trust]
Except that you deserted me, dear, just when
I needed you most. Ernest, Ernest ! never leave
me again.
ERNEST
Deserted you ? Why, your brother said you
were ill.
155
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
Ah, I see ... he was mistaken.
ERNEST
[jubilant and boyish]
But never mind now, I've got you at last, and
I'll never, never let you go. You've got to sail
with me to-morrow. Together ! Oh, think ! To
gether. [Another embrace.
HELEN
Are you sure you love me ?
ERNEST
[laughs from sheer joy of her nearness] <
Am I sure ? Ten million times more to-day
than yesterday.
HELEN
Even so ... it is not, and can never be,
as I love you.
ERNEST
[with her hands in his, gayly]
Then you can apologize.
HELEN
Apologize ?
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
For saying, years and years ago — in other
words, last night — that you didn't think you'd
marry me after all. [She starts.] Why, what's
the matter ? You're trembling like a leaf. You
are ill !
HELEN
No; oh, no.
ERNEST
[tenderly]
Still a few lingering doubts ? I had hoped a
good night's rest would put those little preju
dices to sleep forever.
HELEN
Sleep ?
[She shakes her head, gazing at him soberly.
ERNEST
So you could not sleep ? Neither could I ; I
was too happy to sleep. I was afraid I'd miss
some wondrous throbbing thought of your
loveliness. [Takes her passive hand, puts a kiss
in it, and doses it reverently while she looks into
his eyes without moving.] Do you know, I'm dis-
157
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
appointed in love. I always thought it meant
soft sighs and pretty speeches. It means an
agony of longing, delicious agony, but, oh, ter
rific. [She says nothing.] Dear, dear girl, it may
be easy for you, but I can't stand much more
of this.
HELEN
Nor I.
ERNEST
You must come to Paris with me or I'll stay
home. All through the night I had waking
visions of our being parted. Just when we had
found each other at last. Some terrible imper
sonal monster stepped in between us and said :
"No. Now that you have had your glimpse of
heaven — away ! Ye twain shall not enter
here. . . ." Silly, wasn't it? But I couldn't get
the horror of it out of my head.
HELEN
[nodding]
Do you know why, Ernest ? Because it was
in mine. It came from my thought to yours.
You and I are attuned like wireless instruments.
Even in the old blind days, there in the labora
tory I used to read your mind. Shall I tell you
158
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
the name of the monster that would put us
asunder ? . . . Its name is Marriage.
ERNEST
But I need you. You know that. And you
need me. It's too late. We are helpless now — in
the clutch of forces more potent than our little
selves — forces that brought us into the world
— forces that have made the world. Whether
you will or no, this beautiful binding power is
sweeping you and me together. And you must
yield.
HELEN
[reaching for his hand}
Ah, my dear, could anything make it more
beautiful, more binding than it is now ?
ERNEST
It is perfect. The one divine thing we share
with God. The Church is right in that respect.
I used to look upon marriage as a mere contract.
It's a religious sacrament.
HELEN
Does the wedding ceremony make it sacred ?
159
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
That mediaeval incantation ! No, love, which
is given by God, not the artificial form made
by man.
HELEN
I knew it ! I knew you'd see it — the mistake
of all the ages. They've tried to make love fit
marriage. It can't be done. Marriage must be
changed to fit love. [Impulsively.] Yes, I'll go to
Paris with you.
ERNEST
[about to take her in his arms]
You darling !
HELEN
[steps back]
But not as your wife.
ERNEST
{stops — perplexed]
You mean . . . without marriage ?
HELEN
I mean without marriage.
[They look into each other s eyes.
160
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
A moment ago I thought I loved you as much
as man could love woman. I was mistaken in
you — I was mistaken in myself. For now I
love you as man never loved before. You su
perb, you wonderful woman !
HELEN
[holds out her hand to be shaken, not caressed]
Then you agree ?
ERNEST
[kneels, kisses her hand, and arises}
Of course not ! You blessed girl, don't you
suppose I understand ? It's all for my sake.
Therefore for your sake — no.
HELEN
Then for my sake — for the sake of every
thing our love stands for !
ERNEST
[laughing fondly]
Do you think I'd let you do anything for any
body's sake you're sure, later, to regret ?
161
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
Then don't ask me to marry you, Ernest.
We'd both regret that later. It would destroy
the two things that have brought us together,
love and work.
ERNEST
Nonsense. Nothing could do that. . . . And
besides, think of our poor horrified families !
Think of the world's view !
HELEN
Aren't we sacrificing enough for the world —
money, comforts, even children? Must we also
sacrifice each other to the world ? Must we be
hypocrites because others are ? Must we, too,
be cowards and take on the protective coloring
of our species ?
ERNEST
Our ideas may be higher than society's, but
society rewards and punishes its members ac
cording to its own ideas, not ours.
HELEN
Do you want society's rewards ? Do you fear
society's punishment ?
162
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
[jubilantly enfolding her]
With you in my arms, I want nothing from
heaven, I fear nothing from hell; but, my dear
[shrugs and comes down to earth with a smile and
releases her], consider the price, consider the
price.
HELEN
Aren't you willing to pay the price ?
ERNEST
I ? Yes ! But it's the woman, always the
woman, who pays.
HELEN
I am willing to pay.
ERNEST
I am not willing to let you.
HELEN
You'll have to be, dear. I shall go with you
on my terms or not at all.
ERNEST
[with decision]
You will come with me as my wife or stay at
home.
163
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
[gasping]
Now ? After all I've said, all I've done ?
Ernest: I've told the family ! I relied upon you.
I took for granted — Ernest, you wouldn't —
you couldn't leave me behind now.
ERNEST
Thanks to you and what you've made of me,
I must and will.
HELEN
Ernest ! [Opens her arms to him to take her.
ERNEST
[about to enfold her — resists]
No ! If you love me enough for that [points
to her pleading hands] — I love you enough for
this. [He turns to go] Come when you're ready
to marry me.
HELEN
[shrill, excited, angered]
Do you think this has been easy for me?
Do you think I'll offer myself again on any
terms ? Never !
164
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED*
ERNEST
You must marry me — and you will.
HELEN
You don't know me. Good-by !
ERNEST
Very well !
[ERNEST, afraid to stay, goes at once. She
waits motionless until she hears the auto
mobile carrying him away. She imme
diately turns from stone to tears, with a
low wail. In utter despair, hands out
stretched she sinks down upon a bench
and buries her face in her hands.
HELEN
Oh, Ernest ! . . . How could you ?
[Lucv, THEODORE, JUDGE and JOHN all
hurry back, all excited.
THEODORE
Did you see his horrified look ?
LUCY
Fairly running away — revolted. Ah !
[Points at HELEN. HELEN arises, defiant,
confident, calm.
165
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
[to HELEN]
What did I tell you !
LUCY
You have thrown away the love of an honor
able man.
THEODORE
Trampled upon the finest feelings of a deep
nature.
JOHN
Let this be a lesson to you. You've lost your
chance to marry, your chance to work, and now,
by heavens! you will cut out "independence"
and stay at home, where women belong, and live
down this disgrace ... if you can.
LUCY
With one excuse or another — he'll stay
away. He'll never come back.
HELEN
[clear and confident as if clairvoyant]
He will ! He is coming now. . . . He is
1 66
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
crossing the hall. . . . He is passing through
the library. . . . He's here !
[But she doesn't turn. ERNEST reappears at
the door and takes in the situation at a
glance.
JOHN
[still turned toward HELEN]
He'll never look at you again, and I don't
blame him ! I'm a man; I know. We don't re
spect women who sell out so cheap.
ERNEST
You lie ! [All turn, astounded. HELEN runs
toward ERNEST with a cry of joy. JOHN starts to
block her. To JOHN.] Stop ! You're not fit to
touch her. No man is.
JOHN
[with a sarcastic laugh]
Humph ! I suppose that's why you ran away.
ERNEST
Yes. To protect her from myself.
JOHN
Then why come back ?
167
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
To protect her from you ! You cowards, you
hypocrites! [He rushes down to HELEN, puts his
strong arm about shoulder and whispers rapidly.]
Just as I started, something stopped me. In a
flash I saw ... all this.
HELEN
[clasping his arm with both hands]
I made you come ! I made you see !
JOHN
[advances menacingly]
By what right are you here in my home ? By
what right do you take my sister in your arms ?
ERNEST
By a right more ancient than man-made law !
I have come to the cry of my mate. I'm here to
fight for the woman I love ! [Arm about HELEN,
defies the world. To all.] My trip to Paris is post
poned. One week from to-day gather all your
family here, and in your home we'll make our
declaration to the world.
JOHN
In my home ! Ha ! Not if I know it.
1 68
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
[restraining JOHN]
Play for time, John — he'll bring her around.
JOHN
[to ERNEST]
Do you mean to marry her or not ? Speak my
language !
[ERNEST releases HELEN and steps across
to JOHN.
ERNEST
She decides that — not you.
[All turn to HELEN.
HELEN
Never !
JOHN
[shaking off JUDGE. To HELEN.]
You'll go with this damned fanatic only over
my dead body.
HELEN
[high]
And that will only cry aloud the thing you
wish to hide from the world you fear.
[Just now JEAN is seen slowly returning
from the garden without REX. Her pretty
169
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
head is bent and, busy with her own sad
thoughts, she is startled by the following :
ERNEST
There are laws to prevent marriage in some
cases but none to enforce marriage on women
— unless they will it.
JOHN
[beside himself with rage]
Enforce ! Do you think I'll ever allow a sister
of mine to marry a libertine ?
JEAN
[thinks they are discussing her, and is outraged}
But I'm not going to marry him ! My engage
ment is broken.
[General consternation. Sobbing, JEAN runs
into house.
JOHN
My God, what next? Lucy, don't let Rex get
away ! You know what he'll do — and when he
sobers up, it may be too late. [To ERNEST.] As
for you, you snake, you get right out of here.
170
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
[in the sudden silence}
Now you've done it, John.
ERNEST
Oh, very well, this is your property.
HELEN
But / am not ! I go, too !
[She runs to ERNEST.
THEODORE
Don't commit this sin !
JOHN
Let her go! She's no sister of mine.
JUDGE
[the only calm one}
If she leaves this house now, it's all up.
JOHN
A woman who will give herself to a man with
out marriage is no sister of mine.
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
[about to go, turns, leaning on ERNEST. To all]
Give ! . . . But if I sold myself, as you are
forcing poor little Jean to do, to a libertine she
does not love, who does not love her — that
is not sin ! That is respectability ! To urge and
aid her to entrap a man into marriage by play
ing the shameless tricks of the only trade men
want women to learn — that is holy matrimony.
But to give yourself of your own free will to
the man you love and trust and can help, the
man who loves and needs and has won the
right to have you — oh, if this is sin, then let
me live and die a sinner !
[She turns to ERNEST, gives him a look of com
plete love and trusty then bursts into tears
upon his shoulder, his arms enfolding her
protectingly.
173
ACT III
ACT III
It is well along in the afternoon of the same busy
day of rest. Most unaccountably — until the
JUDGE accounts for it later — the terrace has
been decked out with festoons and flowers
since the excitement of the morning. Japa
nese lanterns have been hung, though it is not
yet time to light them and though it is Sun
day in a pious household.
Most incongruously and lugubriously, LUCY is
pacing to and fro in silent concern.
THEODORE now comes out of the house, also look
ing harassed. LUCY turns to him inquiringly.
He shakes his head sadly.
N
LUCY
O word from Uncle Everett ?
THEODORE
No word. He must have reached town long
ago, unless he had tire trouble. . . . It's a bad
sign, Lucy, a bad sign. He would surely tele
phone us.
175
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
LUCY
Oh, if he only hadn't missed their train !
THEODORE
[hopelessly]
Uncle Everett is the only one who could have
brought them to their senses.
LUCY
It may not be too late. He took our fastest
car, our best chauffeur.
THEODORE
Detectives are to watch all the steamers to
morrow. John telephoned at once.
LUCY
But to-morrow will be too late ! And, oh !
when it all comes out in the newspapers ! The
ghastly head-lines - "well-known scientist,
beautiful daughter of a prominent family!"
Oh ! What will people say ?
QOHN, hurried and worried, rushes out shout
ing for LUCY.
JOHN
Any news ? Any news ? [THEODORE and LUCY
176
V'AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
give him gestures of despair.] Then it's too late.
[He, too, paces to and fro in fury. Then bracing
up.] Well, I found Rex, over at the Golf Club.
Terribly cut up. But listen; not a drink, not
one ! . . . Where's Jean ? Got to see her at
once.
THEODORE
Locked herself up in her room, John, crying
her little heart out !
JOHN
Rex is a changed man, I tell you. We've got
to patch it up, and we've got to do it quick !
LUCY
But, John ! When the Bakers hear about
Helen . . . Rex marry into our family ? Never !
We're disgraced, John, disgraced !
JOHN
[impatiently]
But they're not going to hear about Helen.
No one knows, and no one will. Helen has sim
ply returned to Paris to complete her scientific
research. My press-agent — he's attending to
all that.
177
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
But questions, gossip, rumor — it's bound
to come out in time !
JOHN
In time; but meanwhile, if Jean marries Rex,
the Bakers will have to stand for it. What's
more, they'll make other people stand for it.
Backed by the Bakers, no one will dare turn
us down. . . . Our position in the world, my
business relations with the old man — every
thing hangs on little Jean now. Tell her I've sim
ply got to see her. [Lucv hesitates.} Hurry ! Rex
is coming over later. [He catches sight of the
table, festoons, etc.] Heavens ! What's all this
tomfoolery ?
LUCY
[going]
Uncle Everett's orders — he wouldn't stop to
explain. He left word to summon the whole
family for dinner. [LucY goes.
JOHN
[shrilly]
The whole family ! . . . To-day of all days !
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
John ! You must not, shall not, force Jean to
marry this man.
JOHN
[unappreciated]
Haven't I done everything for my sisters ?
Can't they even marry for me?
THEODORE
The man she loves or none at all.
.-
JOHN
That cub at the law school ? No money to
keep a wife, no prospects of any. His father's a
college professor.
THEODORE
[shaking head sadly}
"No love without marriage, no marriage
without — money ! " Ernest Hamilton's words
this morning, when we walked to church.
JOHN
[watching house expectantly]
Survival of the fittest, Theodore, survival of
the fittest.
179
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
The fittest for what ? — for making money !
the only kind of fitness encouraged to survive,
to reproduce its species.
JOHN
If the ability to make money is not the test
of fitness, what is ?
THEODORE
Then you are more fit than a hundred Ham-
iltons, are you ? And Rex ? How fit is he ? Rex
never made a cent in his life.
JOHN
He's got it, all the same. . . . See here ! Haven't
I enough to worry me without your butting in ?
Jean's got to marry somebody, sometime, hasn't
she?
THEODORE
But not Rex, not if I can prevent it.
JOHN
But you can't — you have nothing to do
with it ... except to perform the ceremony
and get a big, fat fee for it.
1 80
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
I — marry Jean and Rex ? Never !
QEAN comes out. She is frightened and turns
timidly to THEODORE for protection.
JOHN
Jean, don't detain Theodore. He has an im
portant business letter to write. [THEODORE
turns to JOHN indignantly.] Your wife's sana
torium bills — better settle up before they dun
you again.
THEODORE
With your money ?
[Takes JOHN'S check out of pockety about to
tear it.
JOHN
[catching THEODORE'S hand}
For Mary's sake, for the children's — don't
give way to selfish pride. . . . Want to kill
your wife? Then take her out of the sanatorium.
Want to ruin your children? Then take them
out of school! . . . Cash your check, I tell you,
and pay your debts !
[THEODORE glances at JEAN, at check. A
struggle. At bay, he finally pockets check
and dejectedly goes into the house.
181
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JEAN
[with a wet handkerchief in hand]
Well ? If I refuse to marry Rex ? . . . Cut
off my allowance or merely bully me to death ?
JOHN
[kindly]
Oh, come ! You've filled your romantic little
head full of novels. I never force anybody to do
anything. [Suddenly breaks out.] My heavens!
what's the matter with all of you ? I only want
to give you and Lucy and Helen and Theodore
and the whole family the best of everything in
life ! And what do I get for it ? I'm a brutal
husband, a bullying brother, and a malefactor
of wealth. Lord ! I guess I have some rights,
even if I have got money !
JEAN
Rex has money, too. Should that give him the
right to women ? I, too, have some rights — even
though I am a woman.
JOHN
Any woman who can't care enough for a
Baker to marry him — Rex is the sort who
182
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
would do everything in the world for the
woman he loves, everything. All the Bakers are
like that.
JEAN
But what would he do for the woman he no
longer loves ?
JOHN
He wasn't fool enough to tell you about that ?
JEAN
About what ?
JOHN
[halting]
Nothing — I thought — I tell you, Rex has
reformed.
JEAN
You thought I meant his "past." I meant
his future . . . and my own.
JOHN
Well, if you expect to find a saint, you'll
never get married at all.
JEAN
And if I never married at all ?
183
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
Then what will you do ?
JEAN
[with a wail of despair]
That's it — then what should I do — what
could I do ? Oh, it's so unfair, so unfair to train
girls only for this! What chance, what choice
have I ? To live on the bounty of a disapprov
ing brother or a man I do not love ! Oh, how
I envy Helen ! If I only had a chance, a decent
chance !
JOHN
Any sensible girl would envy your chance.
You'll never have another like it. You'll never
have another at all ! Grab it, I tell you, grab it.
[REX comes quietly, a determined look on his face,
JOHN sees him.] Now, think, before too late,
think hard. Think what it means to be an old
maid. [And leaves them abruptly.
QEAN stands alone, looking very pretty in
girlish distress. REX gazes at her a mo
ment and then with sudden passion he
silently rushes over, seizes her in his arms,
kisses her furiously.
184
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JEAN
[indignant, struggles, frees herself y and rubs her
cheek]
Ugh ! How could you !
REX
Because I love you !
JEAN
Love ! It isn't even respect now.
REX
Has that fellow ever kissed you ?
JEAN
I have begged you never to refer to him
again.
REX
He has ! He has held you in his arms. He has
kissed your lips, your cheeks, your eyes !
JEAN
How many women have you held in your
arms ? Have I ever tried to find out ?
REX
Ah ! You don't deny it, you can't.
185
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JEAN
I can ! He respects me. I don't deserve it, but
he does.
i
REX
Thank heavens ! Oh, you don't know how
this has tormented me, little Jean. The thought
of any other man's coming near you — why, I
couldn't have felt the same toward you again,
I just couldn't.
JEAN
[bites her lips — then deliberately}
Well, then . . . other men have come near
me . . . other men have kissed me, Rex.
REX
[getting wild again]
What ! When ? Where ?
JEAN
[laughing cynically]
Oh, in conservatories in town, John's camp
in the North Woods, motor rides in the coun
try — once or twice out here on this very ter
race, when I've felt sentimental in the moon
light.
1 86
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
REX
[recoiling]
Oh ! Jean ! I never supposed you were that
sort!
JEAN
[with distaste]
Oh, I don't make a habit of it ! I'm not that
sort. But . . . well, this isn't all I could tell
you about myself, Rex.
REX
Don't! . . . Oh, what do you mean — quick.
JEAN
Oh, I've merely been handled, not hurt.
Slightly shop-worn but as good as new.
REX
[after a pause, quietly]
Jean, what makes you say such horribly hon
est things to me ?
JEAN
Yesterday I did you a great unkindness, Rex.
I deserve to suffer for it. ... You don't sup
pose I enjoy talking this way about myself ?
187
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
REX
I never heard a girl — a nice girl — talk like
this before.
JEAN
Naturally not. Usually "nice" girls hide it.
It's an instinct in women — to keep up their
value. . . . Often I've had thoughts and feel
ings which "nice" girls of your artificial ideal
are supposed never to have at all. Perfectly nat
ural, too, especially girls of my sort. We have so
little to occupy our minds, except men! To have
a useful, absorbing occupation — it rubs off
the bloom, lowers our price in the market, you
see.
REX
Oh, stop ! ... If you're not going to marry
me, say so, but
JEAN
But I am ! . . . I am not going to be a de
pendent old maid. [Rsx, bewildered, only gazes
at her.] But, first, I want you to know exactly
what you're getting for your money. That seems
only businesslike.
REX
[recoils]
Would you only marry me for that ?
188
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JEAN
I told you I loved another man. Do you want
me ?
REX
[with jealousy returning
Do I want you! He shan't have you.
[He comes close.
JEAN
Then take me.
REX
[seizes her passionately}
I'll make you love me! [Kisses her trium
phantly.] I'll bring a different light into those
cold eyes of yours. Wait until you're married !
Wait until you're awakened. I'll make you for
get that man, all other men. You are to be mine
— all mine, all mine ! [During this embrace JEAN
is quite passive, holds up her cheek to be kissed,
and when he seeks her lips she shuts her eyes and
gives him her lips. He suddenly stops, chilled;
holding her at arm's length.} But I don't care to
marry an iceberg. Can't you love me a little ?
Haven't you any sentiment in your cynical
little soul . . ..you irresistible darling!
189
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JEAN
In my soul ? Yes ! It's only my body I'm sell
ing, you know.
[Then deliberately — clearly without passion
— throws her arms about his neck, cling
ing close and kissing him repeatedly until
REX responds.
REX
Look out, here comes the parson.
[THEODORE comes out of the house.
JEAN
Oh, Theodore ! Rex and I have come to an
understanding. . . . Will you solemnize our
blessed union ?
THEODORE
Not unless you truly love each other. Mar
riage is sacred.
JEAN
[rapidly}
A large church wedding — that will make it
sacred. A full choral service — many expensive
flowers — all the smartest people invited — that
always makes the union of two souls sacred.
190
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
«
Those who truly love — their friends should
witness the solemn rite, but
JEAN
[interrupts. To REX]
And my wedding gown will be white satin
with a point-lace veil caught up with orange-
blossoms and a diamond tiara— "the gift of
the groom" — that ought to make it solemn.
THEODORE
The white veil is the symbol of purity, Jean.
JEAN
[rattling on wildly}
Of purity, Rex, do you hear ? Whenever you
see a bride in the white symbol of purity she is
pure — that proves it. That makes it all so
beautiful ! so sacred ! so holy ! holy ! holy !
[Hysterically turns and runs into the house
as JOHN comes out.
THEODORE
[following]
Jean, you must not, you shall not — [JoHN
blocks THEODORE. REX runs in after JEAN. To
191
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN.] John, I warn you ! I'll prevent this mar
riage. I'll tell every clergyman in the diocese.
I'll inform the bishop himself. This marriage
would be a sacrilege.
JOHN
You dare threaten me — after all I've done
for you !
THEODORE
Your five thousand was a loan — not a
bribe — every cent of it will be returned.
JOHN
You can't return it. I wouldn't let you if you
could. Come, it's all in the family. [THEODORE
shakes his head.} You know that beautiful Gothic
Chapel old man Baker is building on his estate ?
He likes you. I'll tell him you're just the man
he's looking for — safe and sane — no socialistic
tendencies.
THEODORE
Don't trouble yourself — he offered me the
place this morning.
JOHN
You didn't refuse it !
192
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
I did — this morning. But since my last talk
with you I've reconsidered, I've telephoned my
acceptance.
JOHN
[genuinely glad]
Bully ! Great ! Why, now you're fixed for
life. "Only one kind of fitness encouraged,"
eh? ... Right always triumphs in the end.
Never lose your faith again, Theodore.
THEODORE
Right ? That whited sepulchre ! his mill hands
dying like flies, his private life a public scandal !
JOHN
[with a cynical grin]
Then why accept his tainted money ?
THEODORE
[from his soul]
To keep my wife alive. To keep my children
out of the streets. To keep myself out of deeper
debt to you. That's why I accept it — that's
why many a man sells his soul to the devil. . . .
If I had only myself to consider — why, to me a
193
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
little thing like death would be a blessed luxury.
But I, why, John, I cannot afford — even to
die. I must compromise and live — live for
those dependent on me. . . . Your five thousand
will be returned with interest, but your little
sister will not be married to a man she does not
want.
JOHN
But Rex wants her and money talks in this
world, louder than the Church. Refuse to marry
Baker's son and how long will you keep Baker's
chapel ? . . . Think it over, Theodore, think it
over.
{Suddenly the JUDGE in motor garments cov
ered with dust comes out panting, followed
by LUCY calling.
LUCY
Uncle Everett ! Uncle Everett !
JUDGE
John! Oh, John!
JOHN
Where is she!
194
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
You were too late !
JUDGE
Wait ! Give me time to get my breath.
[Fans himself with his cap and mops brow.
JOHN
My detective — didn't he meet their train ?
QUDGE nods yes.
LUCY
But they saw him first ?
QUDGE shakes head no.
THEODORE
Didn't he follow them ? QUDGE nod s yes.
JOHN
Where'd they go ? Where are they ? Speak,
man, speak !
JUDGE
[raises cap and handkerchief]
Now, just give me a chance and I'll tell the
whole story. . . . The detective was waiting
195
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
at the station. He saw them step out of the train.
He followed them to the cab-stand. He watched
them get into a taxi — jumped into another
himself — and away they went, pursued by the
detective and blissfully ignorant of his exis
tence. . . . Even now they don't know they
were being watched — or else . . . well, they
might have taken another course.
LUCY
Quick ! Tell us the worst.
JUDGE
[hesitates]
Well . . . they drove straight to Helen's
apartment.
LUCY
And you were too late. I thought so.
JOHN
But my detective ?
JUDGE
He followed and reported to me when I
reached town.
196
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
LUCY
Reported what ? Tell us all.
JUDGE
First he saw Ernest help Helen out of the
taxi — very tenderly, like this. Little they real
ized then how every detail was to be reported
to you now!
JOHN
Go on ! Go on !
JUDGE
Then the detective saw Ernest deliber
ately
LUCY
Yes, go on.
JUDGE
Deliberately lift his hat like this, say "good
afternoon" just like that, and drive on to his
own apartment a mile away.
[There is a sudden silence; the others waitin^
the JUDGE now sits down.
LUCY
Oh, is that all ?
197
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
Why, it's exactly as if they were engaged !
JUDGE
No, Theodore, not exactly as if engaged.
JOHN
You're keeping something back from us !
Speak !
JUDGE
[gets up from chair]
Must I tell you ? It's rather delicate. . . .
Well, he didn't even step into the vestibule to
kiss her good-by. [All look at each other.
JOHN
But where are they now ? Quick !
LUCY
They met later ! I knew it.
JUDGE
Yes, it's true. They are alone together at
this very moment.
198
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ALL
Where ! Where ?
JUDGE
[pointing to house]
There.
JOHN
What ! What are they doing here ?
JUDGE
[resumes fanning]
Discussing the marriage problem. [General
rejoicing and relief.] Sssh ! Not so loud, you
might interrupt them.
JOHN
[nodding knowingly]
Cold feet ! Knew he'd lose his job.
LUCY
The disgrace. She couldn't face it.
THEODORE
No, conscience. A deep religious nature.
[They all think it over a moment, each sure
of his own diagnosis.
199
k'AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
[turning to JUDGE with amusement]
So ! Decided the soul-mate theory wouldn't
work in practice, eh ?
THEODORE and LUCY
And they agree to marry ?
JUDGE
[stops fanning]
Marry ? My, no ! Nothing like that. They
think less of marriage than ever now! Helen
is using woman's sweet indirect influence on
Ernest in there at this moment!
[All start toward the house impulsively, but
on second thoughts they all stop.
JOHN
Then how on earth did you get them back !
JUDGE
[lighting cigar]
Oh, perfectly simple, I promised Helen you'd
apologize to Ernest; promised Ernest you'd
apologize to Helen. [To LUCY.] Promised both
you'd arrange a nice little family party for 'em.
They bear no grudge. They're too happy.
200
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED'*
LUCY
[horrified. Indicates table]
The family party — for them? Horrors !
JUDGE
[tossing away match]
Yes, here in your happy home. [The others
turn on the JUDGE indignantly] Well, don't jump
on me. I tell you they positively decline to elope
until after they tell the whole damn family.
Considerate of them, I say. You don't deserve
it, if you ask me.
JOHN
[incredulous]
Tell the whole. . . see here, are they crazy ?
Are you crazy ? Do you think I'm crazy ?
[Impetuously turns toward the housey a man
of action.
JUDGE
[stopping JOHN]
Wait ! . . . You've already done your best
to destroy your sister — but you've utterly
failed. They have done nothing wrong — as yet.
Why, they are the finest, truest, noblest pair
of lovers I ever met ! Now, aren't they, Theo
dore ?
20 1
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
I can't say that I call Helen's ideas of mar
riage "noble," exactly!
JUDGE
[grandiloquent]
She is willing to sacrifice even marriage for his
career. Isn't that noble ? And he ! willing to sac
rifice even his career for marriage. Both noble,
if you ask me.
JOHN
[loud]
Noble tommy-rot ! — a pair of pig-headed,
highbrow fools ! They don't have to sacrifice
anything for anybody. Can't they work to
gether just as well married as unmarried ?
JUDGE
That's what I said to her, but you had al
ready convinced her that it was impractical.
Work and marriage - "combine the two, and
you'll fail at both " — your own warning, John.
JOHN
[angry]
B'r'r — you think you're very funny, don't
202
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
you ! But that's my sister in there, planning to
be that fellow's mistress — right here in my
own house ! Anything funny about that !
JUDGE
[stepping aside]
All right, go put a stop to it then ! QOHN
starts toward house.] It's your own house — turn
her out again. QOHN stops short.] What are you
going to do about it, John ? QOHN has no an
swer.] Drive little Jean into marriage with a
man she does not love — she is an old-fashioned
girl. But your other sister — you can't make
her marry even the man she does love, unless
she sees fit. She is the New Woman ! Society can
no longer force females into wedlock — so it
is forcing them out ... by the thousands ! Ap
prove of it ? Of course not. But what good will
our disapproval do ? They will only laugh at
you. The strike is on. Few of the strikers will
let you see it. Few of the strikers have Helen's
courage. But, believe it or not, the strike will
spread. It cannot be crushed by law or force.
Unless society wakes up and reforms its rules
and regulations of marriage, marriage is doomed.
. . . What are you going to do about it ? [Si
lence.] I thought so — nothing. Call them bad
203
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
women and let it go at that. Blame it all on
human nature, made by God, and leave un
touched our human institutions, made by man.
You poor little pessimists ! human nature to
day is better than it ever was, but our most
important institution is worse — the most sa
cred relationship in life has become a jest in
the market-place. . . . You funny little cow
ards, you're afraid of life, afraid of love, afraid
of truth. You worship lies, and call it God !
JOHN
[interrupts]
All right, all right — but we can't change
marriage overnight just to suit Helen. What
are you going to do about it ?
JUDGE
There's just one thing to do. Will you back
me up in everything I say ?
JOHN
[acknowledging his own defeat]
Anything — everything.
JUDGE
Then tell Helen she doesn't have to marry,
204
From a photograph by White Studio.
JUDGE: You poor little pessimists ! Human nature to-day is better than
it ever was, but our most important institution is worse — the most
sacred relationship in life has become a jest in the market-place.
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
that, with the best intentions, the Church has
made a muddle of monogamy.
THEODORE
Uncle Everett, I protest.
JUDGE
That we all admire their consecrated courage
and advise their trying this conscientious experi
ment.
JOHN
Not if I have anything to say about it !
JUDGE
But you haven't. Do please get that through
your head. . . . Theodore, they've talked
enough, ask them to step out here and receive
John's blessing. [Impatiently.] Go on — I'll fix
John. [THEODORE goes.] [To JOHN, who is about
to burst forth.] Oh, see here, did you ever pull a
dog into the house against his will ? . . . Let
him alone and he'll follow you in, wag his tail,
and lick your hand.
JOHN
You mean, they'll come in, be respectable ?
205
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
Admit that marriage has numerous drawbacks
— and they'll see its advantages. Deny it -
and they'll see nothing but each other. Marriage
is in a bad way, but it's the less of two evils.
Marriage must adjust itself to the New Woman
— but the New Woman must meanwhile adjust
herself to marriage. [Briskly to LUCY.] Now,
then, did you send out that hurry call for the
family this evening ?
LUCY
Yes, they're on their way here now, but
Uncle Everett, Doctor Hamilton said, next
week.
JUDGE
Yes, I know — it'll be a little surprise party
for Helen. . . . Did you order some music ?
LUCY
Yes, the musicians are to be stationed in the
library.
JUDGE
Excellent, excellent. [Indicates tables and fes
toons.] All that junk will help, too. A good Sun-
206
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
day supper this evening, Lucy; your best cham
pagne, John — gay spirits, family affection,
warm approval, toasts to the future. Why, all
we'll have to do is — [Breaks off.] Here they
come. Now follow my lead. They've done a lot
of thinking since you saw them last, but —
make one misstep and it's all off.
LUCY
Be nice to her, John. It was just a girlish
impulse..
QOHN opens arms to receive HELEN.
JOHN
My sister ! All is forgiven.
HELEN
[stops shorty her lip curls]
You forgive me?
[Before JOHN can reply, THEODORE and
ERNEST follow, talking.
ERNEST
But I tell you he had a perfect right to put
me off his property. The thing I can't overlook
— [Sees JOHN and LUCY. Points finger at them
207
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
accusingly.] Theodore has told me what you
thought. . . . Please don't judge us by your
selves again — you licentious-minded married
people!
[He shrugs his shoulders with fastidious
disgust and turns his back upon them.
JOHN
[gasping] •
Well, I'll be damned.
JUDGE
[whispers]
Stand for it — he's right.
THEODORE
But Ernest . . . I'm bound to say when two
people run away together
ERNEST
Ah, Theodore ! you, too ? Are all married peo
ple alike ? Did we want to "run away" as you
call it ? Did we not ask for a week to think it
ver ? Did we not stipulate that in any case we
ust frankly face the family first ? But this
^rson — what did he do ? he ordered us off
208
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
his property, like trespassers ! What could we
do ? Sit down in the road and wait a week ? Bah !
we went home — you suspicious married people,
you hypocritical, unspeakable married people !
[JUDGE has difficulty in restraining JOHN.] Why,
I believe our good friend the Judge here is the
only decent-minded, properly married person
on your property.
JOHN
[bursting out]
Decent-minded — why, he's div
[Lucy stops him.
JUDGE
[steps in]
Dev-oted to his wife. Lucy is jealous of what
I'm doing for my wife. [Controls laughter.] Now
come, we must all just let bygones be bygones.
We know your intentions are honorable, your
courage admirable; and for whatever was amiss
in word, deed, or thought, we all humbly apol
ogize — don't we, John ? [JoHN bows uncomfort
ably.} Lucy ? Theodore ? And now I want you
all to tell Ernest and Helen what you told me —
that their arguments against marriage are un
answerable, their logic unimpeachable, and we
209
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
no longer have the slightest intention or desire
to get them divorced by matrimony. QOHN,
THEODORE, and LUCY look dubious. JUDGE
crosses over and pinches them. HELEN and ER
NEST are utterly bewildered.] Why, we wouldn't
let a little thing like marriage come between
them for the world, would we, John ? would we,
Lucy ? would we, Theodore ?
JOHN
\with an effort]
I agree with Uncle Everett entirely.
JUDGE
And you, Theodore ?
THEODORE
[in a low voice]
Perfectly.
JUDGE
And you, Lucy ?
LUCY
{with a nervous glance at JOHN!
Absolutely.
210
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
[to the lovers]
There. You see?
[ERNEST looks from one to the other in amaze
ment.
HELEN
[laughing]
I don't believe a word of it !
JUDGE
Why not ? why not ?
HELEN
Very well, then invite the whole family here
next Sunday!
JUDGE
' They'll be here in an hour. [Points to tables.
HELEN and ERNEST
[recoiling^
In an hour !
JUDGE
Yes, you are to begin your new life together
this evening! Isn't it lovely?
211
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
[gasping]
But that's so sudden. Why, we — we aren't
ready.
THEODORE
Just as ready as you'll ever be.
JUDGE
Ernest's vacation begins to-morrow — your
honeymoon.
HELEN
But, don't you see
LUCY
Those new Paris clothes John gave you —
your trousseau.
ERNEST
Well, but
JUDGE
And this family gathering this evening, your
— in a manner of speaking — wedding party.
[Waving aside all the lovers' objections.] Now, it's
all fixed, let's go and dress for the — as it
were — ceremony.
212
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
[blocks the way. Serious]
Wait ! Did I ever say I would not marry this
woman ? [All stop, turn, exchange glances.
JUDGE
[apart}
Ah! a broad-minded chap.
JOHN
[with a wink at JUDGE]
Ah ! so you think you'd like to marry my sis
ter after all ?
ERNEST
Oh, you're an ass! What have I been doing
for the past twenty-four hours ? Begging her to
marry me. What have you been doing ? Prevent
ing it. Why did I postpone sailing for a week ?
Why did I insist upon the family party ?
[Comes nearer to JOHN.] You're an idiot.
JUDGE
[pinching JOHN]
Stand for it, John. You've got to stand for it.
Tell him you love him like a brother . . . in-law.
213
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
[controls himself]
Well, I ... I — you have my consent, Doc-
*or Hamilton, I'm sure.
ERNEST
Your consent ! What's that got to do with it ?
[They all turn toward HELEN. ERNEST steps be
tween them.} Now wait ! . . . This morning you
tried bullying. Did it work ? This afternoon
bluffing. Think that will work ? [Hand on HEL
EN'S shoulder.] You can't frighten her into mar
riage. I've tried that myself. We've got to ap
peal to some higher motive than self-interest or
superstition with this woman, racial motives,
unselfish motives. [With force.] But don't talk
to me about her being "immoral." I won't
stand for it. If you want her to marry, prove
the morality of marriage.
THEODORE
The "morality of marriage" ! What next ?
ERNEST
[to THEODORE]
That's what I said — the morality of mar
riage ! This woman is not on trial before you.
214
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
Marriage is on trial before her, and thus far
I'm bound to say you've not made out a good
case for it. But simply justify her marrying me,
and — I give you my word — you can perform
the ceremony this very evening. No license is
required in this State, you know.
[This creates a sensation.
JUDGE
Now, what could be fairer than that! [To
HELEN.] Do you agree to this ?
HELEN
[she nods]
We agree in everything.
JUDGE
Both broad-minded !
HELEN
[quietly]
I never said I did not believe in a legal wed
ding — [others surprised] for those who can
afford the luxury of children. . . . But for those
who have to take it out in working for other
people's children all their lives — a ceremony
215
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
seems like a subterfuge. Without children I
don't see how any marriage is ever consum
mated — socially.
THEODORE
Ah, but this relationship — it's a sacred
thing in itself.
HELEN
[sincerely]
I know it. I want to do right, Theodore,
please believe that I do! But the kind of mar
riage preached by the Church and practised by
the world — does that cherish the real sacred-
ness of this relationship? Of course, I can only
judge from appearances, but so often marriage
seems to destroy the sacredness — yes, and also
the usefulness — of this relationship!
ERNEST
But, my dear girl
HELEN
[smiles]
He thinks so, too. Only he has a quaint, man
nish notion that he must "protect me." [To
ERNEST, patting his arm.] Haven't you, dear !
[Again she has raised the shield of 'flippancy.
216
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
What did I tell you, Theodore ? The old mar
riage doesn't fit the New Woman. A self-sup
porting girl like Helen objects to obeying a
mere man — like Ernest.
HELEN
[patting the JUDGE'S arm affectionately, too]
Uncle Everett, you know nothing about it !
You think you understand the new generation.
The only generation you understand is the one
which clamored for "Woman's Rights." [To
ERNEST.] I obey you already — every day of
my life, do I not, dear ? [Looking up into his
face.] You're my "boss," aren't you, Ernest?
[To JUDGE.] But I do object to contracting by
law for what is better done by love.
JUDGE
[laughs fondly]
But suppose the promise to obey were left
out?
HELEN
But the contract to love — [To THEODORE.]
that's so much worse, it seems to me. Obedience
is a mere matter of will, is it not? But when
a man promises to love until death
217
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
Are you so cold, so scientific, so unsexed, that
you cannot trust the man you love ?
HELEN
Why, Theodore, if I didn't trust him I'd
marry him ! Contracts are not for those who
trust — they're for those who don't.
LUCY
[takes HELEN apart]
Now, I may be old-fashioned, Helen, but I'm
a married woman, and I know men. You never
can tell, my dear, you never can tell.
HELEN
Do you think I'd live with a man who did not
love me ? Do you think I'd live on a man I did
not love ? [Lucv blinks.] Why, what kind of a
woman should I be then ! The name wife —
would that change it ? Calling it holy — would
that hallow it ? ... Every woman, married or
not, knows the truth about this! In her soul
woman has always known. But until to-day
has never dared to tell.
218
"AND So THEYWERE MARRIED'*
ERNEST
[approaching HELEN]
Oh, come now — those vows — they aren't
intended in a literal sense. Ask Theodore
Why, no sane person means half of that gib-
gerish. "With all my worldly goods I thee en
dow" — millions of men have said it — how
many ever did it ? How many clergymen ever
expect them to! . . . It's all a polite fiction in
beautiful, sonorous English.
HELEN
The most sacred relationship in life ! Ernest,
shall you and I enter it unadvisedly, lightly,
and with LIES on our lips ? . . . Simply because
others do?
ERNEST
[a little impatient}
But the whole world stands for this. And the
world won't stand for that.
HELEN
Is that reverently, soberly, and in the fear
of God ? No, cynically, selfishly, and in the fear
of man. I don't want to be obstinate, I don't
like to set myself up as "holier than thou,"
219
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
but, Ernest, unless we begin honestly, we'll end
dishonestly. Somehow marriage seems wicked
to me.
JUDGE
[nudging THEODORE]
How do you like that?
THEODORE
John is right — they've gone mad.
ERNEST
All the same, you've got to marry me —
you've simply got to.
HELEN
You are mistaken. I do not have to marry
any one. I can support myself.
ERNEST
Then I'm disappointed in you.
HELEN
And I in you.
ERNEST
I thought you were sensible.
220
"AND So THEYWERE MARRIED"
HELEN
I thought you were honest.
ERNEST
Honest ! You accuse me of dishonesty ?
HELEN
You don't believe in "half of that gibberish."
Yet you are willing to work the Church for our
own worldly advantage ! You are willing to
prostitute the most sacred thing in life! ... If
that is not dishonest, what is !
ERNEST
And you are the woman I love and want to
marry ! In all my life I was never accused of dis
honesty before.
HELEN
You never tried to marry before. No one is
honest about marriage.
ERNEST
I never shall try again. I'm going to Paris
to-morrow and I'm going alone.
HELEN
Then do it. Don't threaten it so often — do it.
221
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
I shall. And I'll never come back.
HELEN
Nobody asked you to.
ERNEST
Helen — for the last time — just for my
sake — marry me.
HELEN
For the last time — no ! no ! NO ! ! I won't be
a hypocrite even for your sake.
[She turns away, he starts off, then stops,
rushes over to her.
ERNEST
[holds out arms]
I can't. You know it. Without you I'm
nothing.
HELEN
[taking both his hands]
Without you. . . . Oh, my dear, my dear.
ERNEST
Forgive me, forgive me.
222
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN
It was all my fault.
ERNEST
No, I was a brute. I'm not worthy of you.
HELEN
[covering his lips with her hand}
Sssh — I can't stand it — I was perfectly hor
rid to you. And you were doing it all for my
sake. [Laughing and crying.} You dear old
thing — I knew it all the time.
[They seem about to embrace.
JUDGE
[shaking with laughter}
Was there ever in the world anything like
it! ... Well, children, see here. He's willing
to lie for your sake. She's willing to die for your
sake. Now, why not just split the difference
and have a civil ceremony for our sake.
THEODORE
No, they will marry for a better reason.
Think of the sin of it ! [To HELEN.] Have you
no sense of sin ?
223
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
If not, think of the humor of it ! Have you no
sense of humor ?
HELEN
[still drying eyes and smiling to JUDGE]
Not a scrap. Neither has Ernest. Have you,
dear?
ERNEST
I hope not — judging from those who always
say they have.
THEODORE
[solemnly]
Helen, look at Ernest — Ernest look at
Helen. [The lovers do so.] Look into each other's
very souls ! . . . You know, you must know,
that in the eyes of God this thing would be a
sin, a heinous sin.
[The lovers gaze deep into each other s eyes in
silence.
ERNEST
[tremulous from the emotion he has just been
through]
The glory and the gladness I see in this
woman's eyes a sin ? Her trust in me, my wor
ship of her, our new-found belief in a future life,
224
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
our greater usefulness together in this — bah !
don't talk to me about sin ! Such women cannot
sin — they love.
JOHN
[tired out]
Oh, you can talk all night, but this is a prac
tical world. How long could you keep your job
in the institute ? Then how'll you live ! Private
practice ? No respectable home will let you in
side the door.
ERNEST
I've seen the inside of respectable homes. I
want no more. [Taking from his pocket a piece
of paper.] This morning I came to ask for your
sister's hand in marriage. Your manners did not
please me. So I cabled over to Metchnikoff.
[Hands cablegram to JOHN.] His answer. Positions
await us both at the Pasteur Institute in Paris.
That luxurious suite on to-morrow's steamer
still waits in my name.
THEODORE
Ernest ! Stop ! Think ! This woman's soul is
in your hands.
[ERNEST seems to hesitate. HELEN crosses to
him. JUDGE seizes JOHN, whispers, and
shoves him across.
225
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
Doctor Hamilton ! I apologize ! . . . You're
a man of the world. You know what this means
— she doesn't. She is in your power — for
God's sake go to Paris without her.
QOHN tries to lead HELEN away from ER
NEST. She shudders at JOHN'S masterful
touch and clings to her lover.
ERNEST
And leave her here in your power ? Never
again ! You've forced her out of her work — you'd
force her into legalized prostitution, if you
could, like her innocent little sister. [Snatches
HELEN away from JOHN.] No, married or not,
she sails with me in the morning. That's final.
[The lovers turn away together.
JUDGE
Where are you going ?
HELEN
To ask Marie to pack my trunk.
ERNEST
To telephone for a motor.
226
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
But you won't start until after the family
party ?
ERNEST
Of course not.
[In a sudden silence HELEN and ERNEST
walk into the house, leaving the family in
despair.
JUDGE
[after a long sigh, to JOHN]
I knew you'd bungle it, I knew it — but
there's still a chance, just one more card to
play. [The BUTLER comes out.
LUCY
Good heavens ! Already ?
BUTLER
Mr. and Mrs. Willoughby, Doctor and Mrs.
Grey, and the Misses Grey.
LUCY
[flurried']
And we're not even dressed!
227
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
No matter. It's Sunday — many orthodox
people . . . why, Mr. Baker won't even dine
out on Sunday.
[Enter the persons announced. Greetings.
"How warm it is for September." . . .
"And how's the baby, Margaret?" etc.
JOHN and JUDGE apart are planning ex
citedly. JEAN and REX come out, and
finally HELEN, followed by ERNEST.
BUTLER
Dinner is served, ma'am.
[The SECOND MAN touches button. Japanese
lanterns glow, silver shines, and all move
toward the tables, a happy, united family.
LUCY
[going-to-dinner manner as she leads the way]
We can hardly go out formally because we're
already out, you know. Aunt Susan, will you sit
over there on John's right ? Doctor Hamilton by
me ? Rex on the other side ?
JOHN
Here, Helen. No, Jean, you are beside Rex,
you know.
228
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
JUDGE
Until married, then you're separated.
LUCY
Cousin Charlie — that's it. [All take their
places.] Most extraordinary weather for Sep
tember, isn't it ?
JUDGE
[he slaps his cheek]
Isn't it?
LUCY
[shocked and hurt]
That's the first mosquito I have ever known
on our place.
JOHN
[indignantly]
We never have mosquitoes here. You must
have been mistaken.
[The servants are passing in and out of
house with courses. The BUTLER now
brings a telegram to JUDGE.
JUDGE
From Julia ! [Tears it open eagerly, reads, ancC
229
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
then shouts.} She's coming back to me, she's
coming back ! Look at that, look at that !
[Jumps up and shows telegram to JOHN.
Then taking it around to LUCY he sings
to tune of "Merrily we roll along":
Aunt Julia is coming back
Coming back — coming back
Aunt Julia is coming back
Coming back from Reno.
HELEN
[laughing]
From Reno ? That sounds like divorce, Uncle
Everett.
JUDGE
Like divorce ? Does that sound like divorce ?
[Takes telegram from LUCY and hands it to
HELEN.] Read it aloud.
HELEN
[reading
"Dear boy, I can't stand it, either. Come to
me or I go to you."
JUDGE
{sings during the reading
Coming back from Reno. [Breaks off — to
230
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
HELEN.] So you thought we wanted a divorce,
did you ?
HELEN
I never dreamed of such a thing.
JUDGE
[looks at her a moment, then in a burst]
Well, 7 did. The dream of my life — your
Aunt Julia's, too. We thought we believed in
trial marriage, but we don't — we believe in
trial separation !
THEODORE
[uncomfortably}
They thought they didn't love each other,
but they do, you see.
JUDGE
We don't, we don't, but we can't get along
without each other . . . got the habit of
having each other around and can't break it.
. . . This morning I telegraphed: "Are you
doing this just for my sake?" She replied,
"Tutti-frutti." [Sings.] Aunt Julia's coming
back. Oh, I'm too happy to eat. [Singing, while
others eat and drink:
231
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
Coming back, coming back,
Aunt Julia is coming back
Coming back from Reno.
^\
And I don't care who knows it. The more the
better for marriage. The truth — give- me more
truth, give me more — champagne. [BUTLER
fills glass as JUDGE raises it.] Here's to your
Aunt Julia, the best wife — I ever had. [All rise,
drink, laugh, and sit down.} And I'll never, never
get another. . . . You know I thought maybe I
might. Oh, Everett, Everett, you sly dog, you
old idiot you !
JOHN
[arises, clearing throat, tapping on glasses for
silence]
And now, speaking of divorce, I have an en
gagement to announce. [Some laughter but all
quiet down. He smiles at JEAN.] Of course, you
can't guess whose. Friends, it is my privilege to
announce the engagement of my good friend
Rex Baker to my dear sister Jean. [Gentle ap
plause and congratulations. Music begins.} And
so I will now ask all to arise and drink to the
health and prosperity of my little sister and my
brother-in-law to be ! And my best wish is that
232
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
they will be as happy as my better half and me.
[All cheer and drink health standing.} Speech,
Rex!
[Some of them playfully try to put him on his
feet.
REX
[shaking his head and maintaining his seat}
I can't make a speech. I'm too happy for
words — See-what-I-mean ?
HELEN
[in a low, significant tone}
Jean, aren't you going to say something ?
JEAN
[arises, all silent, she looks at LUCY, REX, JOHN]
Words cannot describe my happiness, either.
[She resumes her seat, and all gather round
to congratulate JEAN and REX.
JOHN
[rapping for quiet}
One moment, one moment. Another toast, an
other toast ! [Others quiet down.} We have with
us to-night one who, in honoring whom we
233
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
honor ourselves, one who with capital back of
him would soon become the greatest scientist
in America ! [JuDGE leads applause, "hear, hear!"
etc. JOHN raises glass.] To the distinguished guest
whom I am proud to welcome to my humble
board, to the noble humanitarian whom Mr.
Baker delights to honor, to the good friend
whom we all admire and trust, Doctor Ernest
Hamilton !
[All applaud and about to drink healthy
JUDGE jumps up.
JUDGE
And to his fair collaborator ! the brave woman
who at this modern warrior's side daily risks
her life for others, handling death and disease
in those mighty but unsung battles for the com
mon weal ! [Applause.] A New Woman ? No,
friends, look behind the stupid names the mob
would cast, like stones to destroy, look and
you will see your true conservative — willing
to appear radical in order to conserve woman's
work in the world ! willing to appear ridiculous
to right ancient wrongs ! willing even to appear
wrong — for those she loves ! Ah, the same old-
fashioned woman we all adore, in a form so
new we blindly fail to understand her glorious
234
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
advent before our very eyes ! To Helen, the gra
cious embodiment of all that is sweetest, no
blest, and best in womanhood — to Helen ! Our
lovely Helen !
JOHN
[up again at once]
Family approval, social esteem, and an hon
ored career — all this is theirs for the asking !
To-day to me they have confessed their love
— to-night to you I now announce . . . their
engagement ! Long life and happiness to Helen
and Ernest !
[Great enthusiasm — even pounding on the
table. ERNEST arises, looking surprised.
JOHN signalling to rest of family to join in.
THE FAMILY
{glasses raised, drowning out ERNEST]
Long life and happiness, long life and hap
piness !
ERNEST
[raises hand]
Wait! Before you drink this toast. . . . [The
glasses stop midway. Sudden silence.] Your con
gratulations we appreciate, your kind wishes
235
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
we desire — but not on false pretences. We
are not engaged to be married.
[In the tense silence a shudder ripples the
family joy.
REX
[apart to JEAN]
Gee ! They had a scrap, too ?
JOHN
[upy nervously. ERNEST still standing
If I may interrupt. . . . He has financial
reasons — I respect him for it. But this very
day the Baker Institute in recognition of Doc
tor Hamilton's distinguished services to hu
manity has doubled his salary — doubled it !
It's all right now — it's all right.
REX
[apart to JEAN]
Four thousand, eh ? ... get a very decent
touring car for that.
ERNEST
[to all]
That is very kind, but that is not the point.
True, our mutual needs are such that we can-
236
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
not live nor work apart, but our convictions
are such that we cannot live and work together
— in what you have the humor to call "holy
wedlock." Now, Helen, the motor is waiting.
[Sensation. Gasps of amazement and horror.
Some jump up from table. A chair is up
set. ERNEST holds HELEN'S wrap. General
movement and murmurs.
JOHN
[barring way}
You leave this house only over my dead body.
[Others gather around lovers.
JUDGE
[to all]
Stand back ! . . . Let him among you who
has a purer ideal of love, a higher conception of
duty cast the first stone. [All stop. Silenced.
THEODORE
But this man and this woman would destroy
marriage !
JUDGE
[standing beside lovers]
No! Such as they will not destroy marriage
— they will save it ! They restore the vital sub-
237
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
stance while we preserve the empty shell.
Everything they have said, everything they
have done, proves it. The promise to love —
they could not help it — they took it — I heard
them. The instinct for secrecy — they felt it —
we all do — but straightway they told the next
of kin. [Points to JOHN.] Even when insulted and
driven forth from the tribe, they indignantly
refused to be driven into each other's arms until
you of the same blood could hear them plight
their troth ! Believe in marriage ? Why, there
never was, there never will be a more perfect
tribute to true marriage than from this fearless
pair you now accuse of seeking to destroy it !
[JoHN tries to interrupt, but the JUDGE waves him
down.] They have been not only honorable but
old-fashioned, save in the one orthodox detail
of accepting the authority constituted by so
ciety for its protection and for theirs. [To HELEN
and ERNEST.] But now, I'm sure, before starting
on their wedding journey — another old-fash
ioned convention they believe in — that, just
to please us if not themselves, they will consent
to be united in the bonds of holy wedlock by
Cousin Theodore who stands ready and waiting
with prayer-book in hand.
[Family subsides. Everybody happy. THEO
DORE steps up, opens prayer-book.
238
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered together
here in the sight of God "
HELEN
[suddenly loud and clear]
Theodore ! are you going to marry Rex and
Jean ?
JOHN
[impatiently]
Of course, of course, Mr. Baker's chaplain.
ERNEST
[recoiling]
Theodore ! You ! Are you going to stand up
and tell the world that God has joined those
two together — GOD ?
[THEODORE looks at JOHN but does not deny
it and says nothing.
HELEN
Then you will be blaspheming love — and
God who made it. No, you shall not marry us.
ERNEST
[agreeing with HELEN]
Some things are too sacred to be profaned.
239
"AND bo THEY WERE MARRIED"
THEODORE
[overwhelmed]
Profaned ? . . . By the Church ?
JOHN
Your love too sacred for the Church ? The
Church has a name for such love ! The world a
name for such women !
ERNEST
[about to strike JOHN, then shrugs]
A rotten world ! A kept Church! Come, let's
get away from it all ! Come !
[HELEN offers her hand in farewell to LUCY,
but JOHN shields her from HELEN'S touch,
then to JEAN. REX shields JEAN from
contamination, but JEAN weeps.
JUDGE
[barring the way. To ERNEST]
Stop ! You cannot ! The very tie that binds
you to this woman binds you to us and to the
whole world with hooks of steel ! [ The lovers are
still going, JUDGE ascends steps, facing them.] For
the last time! before too late! ERNEST! You
know that in the eyes of God you are taking
this woman to be your wife.
240
"AND So THEY WERE MARRIED"
ERNEST
In the eyes of Gody I do take Helen to be my
wife — but
JUDGE
You, Helen ! Speak, woman, speak !
HELEN
I take Ernest to be my husband in the eyes
of God, but
JUDGE
[raises his hand augustly and in a voice of
authority}
Then, since you, Ernest, and you, Helen,
have made this solemn declaration before God
and in the presence of witnesses, I, by the
authority vested in me by the laws of this
State do now pronounce you man and wife !
[MR. and MRS. HAMILTON look at each other
bewildered. Meanwhile the silence has
been pierced, first by a little hysterical
scream from JEAN, then the others all wake
up and crowd about the happy pair, con
gratulating them. The women who had
snubbed HELEN before cover her with
kisses, for now she is fit for their embraces.
241
"AND So THEY^WERE MARRIED"
JOHN
[to THEODORE]
Saved ! Saved ! Respectable at last, thank
God. [Raising his glass and hammering for at
tention.] Here's to the bride and groom.
[ALL cheery raise glasses, and drink.
ERNEST
{when the noise dies down. As the others kiss
HELEN]
A moment ago you were a bad woman. Now
[to all] behold ! she is a good woman. Marriage
is wonderful.
[JOHN and LUCY run to JUDGE and shake
hands.
JUDGE
[to JOHN and LUCY, his wife]
Yes, Respectability has triumphed this time,
but let Society take warning and beware ! be
ware ! beware !
CURTAIN
242:
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